Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Purple Tree

Today is my birthday.  

I don't enjoy my birthday anymore.  I keep it very quiet and hate the fanfare of people wishing me the best and handing me cards and little presents.  I hate the flood of messages on my Facebook page, and I just dislike the attention in general.

A far cry to the woman I used to be.  Just 5 years ago, I would have made the biggest deal about my birthday and made sure the world knew it was MY day.

But as the years have gone by, I have started having anxiety about it.  This year has been no different and I have been dreading it since one of the Reasons first told me it was fast approaching.

Yes, my kids remember.  Every. Single. Year.

Without a reminder from an adult.

You see, I once told them a story.  Many many years ago.

I was born under a tree.  A great big beautiful old tree that didn't have leaves.  It was in fact, a purple tree.  Soft bell shaped purple flowers delicately covered the tree.   And every year, the purple tree blooms to mark the day of my birth.

As soon as the Five Little Reasons see the first hint of the blooming Jacaranda trees, they will remember and whisper, "It is your birthday soon Mama".  And I smile.  I cherish the joy that my birth has given them.

So today, I am having a quiet reflection day.  I was born.  And that means so much.

I don't need the attention.  I don't need to be showered with gifts.  I am one very blessed woman... who is very grateful.

Grateful for so many things.

Grateful for my birth.   

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Start writing again Danielle!

I have been thinking about my dormant blog a lot recently.  The past year or two, this blog has popped into my mind every now and again... but with some pretty hard things happening in our life, the thoughts leave as quickly as they entered.

Recently however,  I have been thinking about it a lot.  Even talking about it more.  Sharing my address to random people and sharing some posts with friends.

I've also been reading my blog.  Yep, reading my own blog.  Is that weird?  I wonder if Britany Spears listens to her own albums on a Saturday night.  Random thought?  Moving on...

I remember the day my feelings towards my blog changed.  It was a combination of "hate mail", "blank brain" and "what if's".

The hate mail was easy to fix - I blocked anyone and everyone before even reading their message.  As soon as I received a message/email/text that made me question anything or change my mood in a negative way, I would stop reading and delete as fast as I could.  And then block.  I ain't got time for that.

However, I didn't realise that it did have an impact.  I started questioning my blog.  Questioning my writing.  Questioning my readers.

And then asking "what if".  A lot.  What if someone takes this the wrong way... again.  What if someone doesn't agree with me.  What if someone doubts my intentions.  I had many people dislike the content of my writing.  Disliking me putting my family "out there".  I came to the conclusion that in the end, they just weren't listening.

All of this resulted in "blank brain".  I had forgotten how to write.  I had forgotten what I wanted to say.  I had forgotten my original intentions of this blog.

This is MY blog.  My story.  My words.  And no one can question that.  I won't let anyone question that.  I can write about anything I want.  THIS IS MY BLOG.

This is me.  

I forgot how happy writing makes me.  Like really happy.

If you don't like it, please delete me from your life.  It's that simple.  Press the delete button.  I won't be engaging in the petty crap anymore.

My mental health depends on it.

Gosh it feels good to be writing again....

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