As you can see, it's been pretty quiet on the blog. It has been so busy here with back to school and extra curricular activities - and to be honest, I have been struggling to stay afloat.
Everything is times by FOUR now as this year, the 4th Reason started prep (I think it is Kindy in the southern states).
4x uniform washing/ironing.
4x extra circular activities.
For this year only, the 4 Reasons are at the one school. My last year as a primary only mama. Next year Hayden starts high school. And I am having panic attacks already.
Camille is still at home with me full time. And to be honest, she is a little lost without her sidekick Oliver. They really are twins born 22 months apart. However, she is a great little sidekick! I am really enjoying being a stay-at-home mama to one. The last time I had only 1 at home, was when Hayden was a baby, and it only lasted 17 months. 9 of those, I was pregnant (and tired) with Lucy.
I have started thinking about what I want to do for ME this year. 2014 is my year to be selfish.
My biggest problem is that when an opportunity comes up, my first thought it "how can I incorporate the Five and Brett into this?"
I am always trying to organise playdates, and family dinner dates, and movie dates with us all involved. And I have realised that I don't need to. Not every single time.
It's ok for me to see a movie without Brett. It's ok for me to visit the museum with just Camille, or heaven forbid, by myself!
A few weeks ago, a girlfriend ask if I wanted to see Pete Murray. My first thought, as usual, was "Oh, Brett loves Pete Murray, I couldn't go without him" followed by "Well then I can't go, because we can't afford 2 tickets and a babysitter". I stopped and thought about this for a moment. Why did it have to go from a $40 ticket to a $200 night? Brett honestly wouldn't care if I went without him. Why did I have to miss out on a night out with my girlfriend just because I thought Brett would like to go.
So without even talking to him about it, I replied with "Count me in!" And you know what? Brett didn't mind. One single bit. And I went and had a great time. A really good time!
I have said that I need to take time for myself so many times in the past, but is has never really eventuated. I never followed through.
I love Brett and the kids more than anything in the world. Deeply. However, I need to realise that it is OK to not spend every spare moment engaging with them. It's ok to take some time to do things without them.
I have to let go of the guilt. It is ok not to spend every. single. waking hour with my husband and/or my children. It is ok to enjoy doing something on my own, even if I know Brett or one of the Reasons would totally enjoy it too.
So this year, I plan to do more things with myself. Visit the Museum by myself. See a movie, by myself. Maybe even take a trip. By. Myself.
And letting go of the guilt.