Wednesday, October 9, 2013

4 months on...

To say that I have been going through some personal stuff is an understatement.  The past 4 months have been my personal worst in my entire life.

I have done some soul searching before.  Many times.  But this time it has been different.  I dove deeper into my heart and mind than I ever have before.

Let's go back 4 months.

June 2013.  I hit an all time low.  Rock bottom.

I was taking on way too many things.  Taking on too many of other peoples problems.  Spending way to much time "helping" others and not taking care of yours truly.   Years of putting other people first had finally taken its toll.  The whirlwind of events that followed was excruciating for the few people around me to watch.  I spiralled out of control.  In many ways.

I was lost.  Well and truly struggling to figure out my way.  And I was starting to hurt myself more than I realised.  I started looking for ways to numb the pain.  To attempt to feel happy again.   I didn't care anymore.  I told people what I thought of them, not giving too hoots who I hurt along the way.  I started to consciously let everyone down.  And the main person I was hurting was myself.

Then the day came... I got stuck.  Completely stuck while the world continued around me.  I couldn't move.  I literally didn't move.  I spent weeks in bed.  Ignoring everyone.  I stopped blogging.  I stopped studying.  I stopped writing.  I stopped.  I deleted everyone from my life.  100% handing the reins over to Brett who, thankfully, stepped up like I have never seen him before.

I had so many emotions swirling around, but the one that sticks with me is anger.  I am so angry.  With the world.    I was questioning every single thing.  My relationships.  My mothering skills.  Everything.

And down I kept going.

I am the first one to be there to help when others are in need.  I am the first one to give my ALL when I see someone hurting.  This time, I needed to help myself.  Brett didn't know what to do.  And no one else was stepping up to the plate.  I wondered why that was.  Was it because I wasn't worth it?  Was it because I was really good at pretending?  I understood that people had their own things going on... but so have I over all the years, and I have always been there for them.  My head was totally messed up.

I don't know what finally switched, but I carried my sorry arse to my GP.  I knew I needed help.  I have never asked for help before.  Not for me.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and stress.  The bottom of the bottom.  My GP wanted to put me in an ambulance and send me straight to the looney bin.  I was done.  Well and truly done.

I don't know how, but I managed to convince him that I was not *that* bad.   He gave me a script and a referral to a phycologist.   I promised that I would walk out of his office straight into the phycologists office.

I never went.  I convinced myself that enough was enough and I started hauling my arse out of my hole.

I am not going to lie.  It has been a big struggle.  But I am slowly getting there.


But surely.

So, here we are.  High enough now to start joining the real world again.  Spending more time looking after myself.  Putting myself first.

I am still angry.  I struggle every day to keep my anger at bay.  And most of the time, I don't even know what I am angry about.  I am angry at myself for not looking after me.   Angry for allowing myself to be disappointed time and time again - even when I expect people will let me down.   Angry at people for not being there for me.

I am slowly finding my happy place and realising that I put way too much pressure on myself.  I want to be my perfect self.  But I need to realise that I already am.

I am an awesome mother, wife and friend.  And if others can't appreciate that, then I don't have time to dwell in self pity because of it.

I need to let go of the grudges, slow my racing brain and enjoy the life I am living.

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