Wednesday, October 9, 2013

4 months on...

To say that I have been going through some personal stuff is an understatement.  The past 4 months have been my personal worst in my entire life.

I have done some soul searching before.  Many times.  But this time it has been different.  I dove deeper into my heart and mind than I ever have before.

Let's go back 4 months.

June 2013.  I hit an all time low.  Rock bottom.

I was taking on way too many things.  Taking on too many of other peoples problems.  Spending way to much time "helping" others and not taking care of yours truly.   Years of putting other people first had finally taken its toll.  The whirlwind of events that followed was excruciating for the few people around me to watch.  I spiralled out of control.  In many ways.

I was lost.  Well and truly struggling to figure out my way.  And I was starting to hurt myself more than I realised.  I started looking for ways to numb the pain.  To attempt to feel happy again.   I didn't care anymore.  I told people what I thought of them, not giving too hoots who I hurt along the way.  I started to consciously let everyone down.  And the main person I was hurting was myself.

Then the day came... I got stuck.  Completely stuck while the world continued around me.  I couldn't move.  I literally didn't move.  I spent weeks in bed.  Ignoring everyone.  I stopped blogging.  I stopped studying.  I stopped writing.  I stopped.  I deleted everyone from my life.  100% handing the reins over to Brett who, thankfully, stepped up like I have never seen him before.

I had so many emotions swirling around, but the one that sticks with me is anger.  I am so angry.  With the world.    I was questioning every single thing.  My relationships.  My mothering skills.  Everything.

And down I kept going.

I am the first one to be there to help when others are in need.  I am the first one to give my ALL when I see someone hurting.  This time, I needed to help myself.  Brett didn't know what to do.  And no one else was stepping up to the plate.  I wondered why that was.  Was it because I wasn't worth it?  Was it because I was really good at pretending?  I understood that people had their own things going on... but so have I over all the years, and I have always been there for them.  My head was totally messed up.

I don't know what finally switched, but I carried my sorry arse to my GP.  I knew I needed help.  I have never asked for help before.  Not for me.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and stress.  The bottom of the bottom.  My GP wanted to put me in an ambulance and send me straight to the looney bin.  I was done.  Well and truly done.

I don't know how, but I managed to convince him that I was not *that* bad.   He gave me a script and a referral to a phycologist.   I promised that I would walk out of his office straight into the phycologists office.

I never went.  I convinced myself that enough was enough and I started hauling my arse out of my hole.

I am not going to lie.  It has been a big struggle.  But I am slowly getting there.


But surely.

So, here we are.  High enough now to start joining the real world again.  Spending more time looking after myself.  Putting myself first.

I am still angry.  I struggle every day to keep my anger at bay.  And most of the time, I don't even know what I am angry about.  I am angry at myself for not looking after me.   Angry for allowing myself to be disappointed time and time again - even when I expect people will let me down.   Angry at people for not being there for me.

I am slowly finding my happy place and realising that I put way too much pressure on myself.  I want to be my perfect self.  But I need to realise that I already am.

I am an awesome mother, wife and friend.  And if others can't appreciate that, then I don't have time to dwell in self pity because of it.

I need to let go of the grudges, slow my racing brain and enjoy the life I am living.

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  1. Hope things are starting to get better for you! I think we can all relate to some of the things you are saying in our own way. It is so important to look after yourself. Keep climbing up out of the hole - you are doing well. Take care, Kylie

    1. Thanks. It seems to be life - and we think that we are the only ones - but reality is, everyone is on a very similar path. x

  2. ..... this is my story too in alot of ways. i really just wanted to let you know that. all the best danielle, to both of us xx

  3. SO glad you got out of the hole babe. You ARE a great mum, wife, person, everything. Look after you. I think as women/mums we are our hardest critiques and we sometimes need to step back and look after ourselves. This is something I have learnt recently also.
    Hope you are on the up and up hun and that you realise that you are awesome and you don't need to be super women ;)

    1. That's exactly it Genevieve. Need to stop trying to live up to my very high expectations of myself. :)

  4. Wow glad your on a better path.....reading this sounded so familiar to me....... this last 5 months has been tough for me and I too have questioned so many things I feel for you and your family all the best xx

  5. Goodluck, I can relate to angry. I get angry with others and then in turn get angry with me for being that person. Sorry, I don't have any solutions, give it time.

  6. That makes me sad. You made me cry - At work!
    All you ever have to do is call, you know that. I have always said I'll be there anytime you need - just bloody call/text/FB - doesn't matter... You know how to reach me.

    Do not hide from the world if you need help or all the world will give you is space - I've learnt that the hard way too.


  7. Thanks for sharing, I resonate with so much of what you've gone through and what your continuing to go through. Praying for you lovely!!!! xxx

  8. Hey you :)
    As excruciating as it was to read this whole post from you, I loved it. Love every single word of it.
    A sad kind of love.
    You know?
    Sad because I can see where you were, but so happy that you found a way up and onwards.

    You are one strong, determined and above all, amazing person.
    And I am so proud and privileged to call you me friend.

    Loads of love xoxo

  9. We expect so much of ourselves,and I have OCD,and with the help of my husband I learned to calm it down naturally but it does occasionally rear it's unwelcome head and we deal with it,like everything else in life.
    Good on you for doing something about it.We ALL it rock bottom at some point in life,it just looks different for some people.
    I hope that the only way is up for you from here on.
    Thanks for sharing.

  10. HI beautiful lady!

    What a wonderfully honest, raw piece you have written! So much love to you for putting it out there for all to see.

    One thing to think about is that we aren't naturally equipped to handle everything that gets thrown our way. It is so strong to ask for help.

    It sounds as though you could do with some people in your corner, some people who are away from the situation and can offer unconditional support to you but more importantly help guide you onto the path. There are so many people these days offering these sorts of coaching programs because they have been through it themselves.

    I am not a coach myself but have used the services of a number of coaches. Just like everything, not all have been the fit for me however some have been absolutely amazing!

    What an amazing journey you are on beautiful :)

    All the love in the world xx

  11. Oh how absolutely surreal. This is exactly like the post I was just about to write but clicked on yours in my blog feed instead. Sending lots of positive and calm energy your way. xx


I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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