I am burnt out.
I didn't know what to say.
I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I didn't need sleep. The kids weren't challenging. I was keeping up with everything that my life throws my way.
And then I realised - *that* was the problem. I needed to slow down.
I am always on the go. From the moment I wake, to the moment my head finally hits the pillow at night. I thrive in the adventure that is our life.
I have been successfully been doing this gig for over 10 years. I love my gig.
But for the first time in 10 years, I was burnt out.
Coincidentally, I had a night in Melbourne already booked this week. I was heading down with a friend and we would be heading to a Bloggers Brunch on the Friday. It was a time out I was needing more than I even knew.
The night before, my gorgeous friend, due to her babies being sick, had to pull out. I had a slight panic attack. Then the voices in my head kicked into overdrive.
"It will be fine, Danielle. You will be fine!" I am not sure I convinced myself.
Let me back peddle a little.
I started dating my first boyfriend at the sweet age of 15 years old. And to me, a boyfriend was more than a boyfriend. We were best friends. We would do everything together. Explore our city together. Travel to the beach together. See movies together.
When we broke up 2 years later, I had already met my next boyfriend and within a week, we were dating. When we broke up, I again, went straight into my next relationship, this time with Brett.
I was good friends with all these "boys" and we did everything together. I then pretty much went from living at home to marital bliss and after having the first Little Reason, I never had a moment without a "sidekick".
You can now guess that at the age of 33, I have never:
- Seen a movie on my own
- Gone out to lunch or dinner on my own
- Spent ONE night without someone else in my room/house.
- Travelled on my own
Let me set this straight. It isn't because I can't do these things. It isn't because I can't look after myself. It is because I have chosen not to. I have always shared my life with someone else.
Brett is my best friend. My partner in crime. I not only love him to death, but I love spending my every moment with him. We have a lot of fun together and with the Five Little Reasons.
So you can understand why I had a slight panic attack at the thought of spending the most part of 48 hours
As I drove down the highway, airport bound, my panic button went off yet again. Little things like getting from the airport to my hotel. Where will I go? How do I get out of the city? How does the tram system work? All these things, I have had someone else either looking after it for me, or to work out with.
This time, I would be on my own. 100% independent. This was huge. Well, not as huge as I thought, but big enough.
As the plane touched down in Melbourne, slight panic set out again. Right, this is it. You're on you're own kid. For the fist time in your life, you are on you're own. Let's go.
The next 2 hours was filled with walking, trying not to look too lost when looking at bus timetables, more walking, trying not to look lost when searching for the perfect cafe for my much needed coffee, getting lost again until... I finally decided that it was ok to get lost.
I had no timetable. I had literally nothing to do. And it was awesome.
After checking in early to my hotel, I decided to head to St Kilda for lunch. A familiar place where Brett took me the last time we were here together. I had to work out the Tram system on my own. And that has changed since I was here last.
I now sit peacefully by the ocean, sipping on my latte, and just being. Being with myself. I might get up soon and go for a walk. I might not. I don't have to consult anyone.
I am feeling much better now. Proving to myself that I can do anything. I knew I could. But now I have proof.