Sunday, January 20, 2013

Defending my Marriage

Everyone has at least one hater.  That one person in your life that isn't in your corner.  Fortunatly for us, most of the people in our lives are cheering us on.  However, I know of a few people who have doubted our marriage from the start.

Marriage is tough.  Everyone knows that.  Anyone that doesn't agree is fooling themselves.

Brett and I celebrate 13 years of marriage this year.  And we are happy.  

Today, however, I feel like I have to defend my marriage.

Why am I writing this post?  This has actually been a long time coming, but the crunch point was a few weeks ago, when things crashed spectacularly with Brett.  Our world concaved and I actually was very badly wounded.  For the first time in our Bipolar journey, I didn't know what to do to help him.  For the first time in our journey, I really didn't know if I could make it better, for me, the Reasons or for Brett.

And the day that it all came incomprehensibly crashing, I posted on my personal facebook page.  "Living with a Bipolar Sufferer is the most difficult thing in the world.  I am not sure if I can do it anymore".

I was wounded.  Deeply wounded.  

My close friends and family, who truly know us, came to the rescue.   They were there in a heart beat.  And it was awesome.  

However, there was a few who pelted me with stones.  More than one person. 

They questioned my love for my husband.  Told me to "walk a day in his shoes".  Indicated that I must not love him.

Let me set the record straight right now.  

Not only do I love my husband with every cell in my body, but I am truly, madly and deeply IN love with him.    I guess that is what makes it all so much harder.  

I may vent that I can't do it anymore.  That I, for a fleeting moment, wish it could end.  In that moment.  Hold my hands up for a short while and surrender.  However, that doesn't mean that I don't love my husband.   It means that I am wounded.  It means that I am reaching out for help.  Help that the "haters" have never given.  It is just me venting.  We all do it.  I do it in a more public fashion.  I am aware of that.  Brett is aware of that.  We will continue to share our lives through this blog.   

But in the end, I will always be by his side.   Brett knows it.  I know it.  


So to those people who are not in our lives on a regular basis.  To those people that draw their own conclusions without even knowing the full story.   Back off.  I have had enough.  Be told now, that we honestly don't care what you think or gossip about our marriage and family behind our backs.  Well, obviously, I care a little, because in the end, you are hurting my little family.  Aim all you like at me.  But back off from my husband and my children.

I know that our marriage is strong.  I know the deep connection that Brett and I share.  I know that I am a good mother to the Five Little Reasons.   

Time has and will continue to prove you all wrong.

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  1. You keep up the good work darl, your strength is an inspiration!
    Like Buddha said, "Hate never yet dispelled hate, only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible."

  2. Good for you, my DH and I have been together for 13 years with 5 kids as well ;) and he suffers from Depression and High Anxiety. The last 4 years have been a very rough up and down road for us and I have thrown my hands up a lot of times in defeat or frustration, and hit my own personal rock bottom with it all as well, but it doesn't mean the love isn't there and that I won't continue to fight for us. People often overlook the partner who is the constant support to someone with depression, bi-polar etc and they don't realise the emotional toll it takes on a person to be there for someone else and overlook the hurt that's inadvertently caused. We're not made of stone even though we need to be someones rock. Keep on doing what you're doing and the 'haters' can find another hobby because I doubt they've walked a day in your shoes either.

  3. Beautiful post. It's sad that you have to write this post, that there are people who make these assumptions. However, what a wonderful testament to the love you have for your husband and to the support that your friends and family give you.

  4. Good on you for posting this Danielle, but it sucks that it even needed saying.

    I read your blog cause you are raw with honesty, there is no smoke and screens with you. You tell us, your readers what and how it is every time you post. You dont cover up the hard times, you dont pretend your life is perfect.

    To the haters- wake up and get a life. Life in a family is hard work, it is even harder when you have mental health issues to contend with, so untill you know what it is like to wish for a time that you could have a utopia type of normal- don't knock Danielle or family for wanting a break from the hard times occasionally.

  5. Good for you Dan, I will always be right beside you if you ever need me. Townsville is always a nice place to holiday ;-) will soon catchup when we r next in the same town. Xxx

  6. go you lovely! you tell them! and keep being the incredible wife, and mama that you are! I draw inspiration from you - and I am sure many others do too.
    For those that say walk a mile in his shoes - perhaps you suggest they walk a mile in yours! No one has the right to judge honey!
    So keep being true to yourself, express yourself and say what you feel on your blog - because it is yours - and thats why we read! x Kylie Look

  7. Good Girl! Although you should never have to justify your love for your husband to anyone; Sometimes throwing your hands up in the air is all you can do, When you have nothing left to give. What person has never been pushed to that point, and more than once. What sane person doesn't understand that surrendering gives you the chance to stop. Giving up gives you the chance to breathe and just release from the whirlwind in your head and the stress...well everywhere within, it gives you time to reflect on the shit storm that is brewing around you and to think about where and when to take the first step. For you and your family. A big family, alone, takes alot of YOU Dani. Everyone who knows you well (and Brett), knows its family first all the way. I think unmarried people or people without kids, just don't get it. Then some people just see the world through tunnelled vision and are ignorant to alot. Its obvious these people lack the capacity for unconditional love. Do they know what it feel like to walk in Brett's shoes? He's been living in YOUR home for the past 10+years. I wouldn't even offer these people a day in YOUR shoes because quite simply they wouldn't know what to do with it.

  8. I stumbled across a quote at the end of last year "what other people think of you is none of your business" I'm trying to live by that. If someone thinks negatively of me, what of it, none of my business. Yes, easier said than done, but try not to waste your energy or space.

  9. I am struggling with my hubby at the moment to make some choices to help himself....I am drained and to be honest it is good to hear that other's feel the same at times. It is hard work and I worry about the impact that it will all have on my babies. Any advice on how to hang in there and not let it affect my mood too....???

  10. I never feel as though I have to defend my marriage. However, I feel often that my husband has to. After all, I was the one who tried to destroy us, I had an affair, and I broke his heart. Matt has a strength and grace that I've never before seen in a person. I never have to defend our marriage because everybody I know knows what he did, that he sacrificed, that he made changes and adjusted and made our life better, even when I was tearing us down into nothing.

    So, often people feel that he should leave me. They question me when I throw my hands up and say "I can't". They question him when he says I'm annoying him, if I do something wrong, if I am sefish, immature, or basically human. It's my fault that he has to defend being married to me, it's my fault that he has to defend 'us' as an entity, as a couple. Seven years ago I broke something so fundamentally important that despite the fact that we as a couple have worked through it, and have gone on to face the worst this world can offer (Four miscarriages, the death of our daughter and one incredibly high risk and awful pregnancy)others choose to judge.

    And we let them, because we know 'we'. And they don't.

  11. WOW I can relate to this.. especially the 'its all too hard' feeling of total and utter "exhaustion", I surrender, I surrender I can't do it anymore. And then soon after, I can do this, we can do this. It's a constant cycle but its your choice to stay in it for the long haul. I'm actually sharing a post tomorrow, not exactly the same but with this type of underlying issue.
    And honestly with 5 kids, freaking hell of course you feel like giving up sometimes!!! People are weird, just weird! Too quick to jump on the defensive rather than considering the situation in context.

  12. Hi there, this is the first post I have read on your blog and my eyes are welling... so I'm thinking I should 1. get back to work so I don't look like a blubbering mess at my desk and 2. bookmark your blog so I can read more later. PS. Hang in there, marriage is work, everyone has issues, but good things aren't always easy. X

  13. I'm new to your blog too, what a great post and what a shame that you feel put in the position of having to defend your marriage. It's really tricky because sometimes you just need to vent and you're crying out for support but instead you feel misconstrued and wish you never opened your mouth - you can't win!!
    There'll always be haters and those who want to get all judgey and opinionated behind the safety of their computer screens but I bet you anything those people couldn't do half as well in your situation.
    Hugs X

  14. So sorry to read some people were so hard on you :-(
    Its not fair, and I can guess you are a beautiful person, wife and mum.
    But thats the price of social media sometimes, its so easy to share, so easy to vent when things are not going well that we forget what the consequences might be, there are obviously harsh people on the other side of the screen that will be quick to judge.
    I think its unfair on you, but I also hink this is perhaps an opportunuty to rethink what we talk, comment or vent about on Facebook. There might be a learning in this for you, for me, for all


I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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