Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My Ultimatum

I almost had to walk away from my marriage last week.  And by walk away, I mean tell Brett to walk away and sort himself out before returning.  It just got all too much for me.  Picking up the pieces our broken life and not cutting myself in the process.

I made an emergency phone call to his shrink and when we see him this week, I will be going and I will be demanding some drastic measures be taken. 

My husband is sick.  Very sick.  And in the process, I am getting sick. 

Last week, I begged Brett to just leave and check himself into hospital.  He frequently uses myself and the kids as his excuse to not get help.  "I can't do that to you", he says.  "It would be too much for you and the kids for me to leave" he always says. 

Screw that.  If he doesn't do something drastic soon, I know I will have no option but to make myself and the kids my number one priority.  I am spending far too much time, pouring far too much of my energy into helping him.   I am miserably failing at helping him and in the process, I feel as though I am failing as a mother and as a woman.

Something has to give and this time it HAS to be him. 

Obviously his medication isn't working anymore. For some reason or another.  I can't even tell you if it has ever worked.  He told me that he has been pretending, even to me, for so long and when I called him out on it, he crumbled.  Into a million pieces.  Taking me with him.  And I sobbed.  Harder than I have ever sobbed before. 

I told him to seek help.  Drastic help this time.  He said he didn't know what to do.  I gave him the step by step instructions and told him that our marriage was now on the line. 

Anyone that knows us in real life, knows that we are a rock solid couple.  Always have been.  And we always will be.  If our marriage was to, in the end.... fail,  it wouldn't be because I don't love him. 

It will be because all my hope has gone.  I am not sure how much hope I still have left.

And the thing is... that this is all so easily fixed.   I just can't fix it. 

**Disclaimer - this is my raw, honest, open writing.   It was also written in a raw moment.  If I am to be completely honest, I would tell you that our marriage is 100% a-ok.  I am ok.  Brett is not, however and we are taking steps to figure it out.  I did need to shake him silly for him to realise just how serious the situation is and for me to say that our marriage was on the line - meant that he knew how serious I was.  

I will keep you posted about his appointment this week.  
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50 Shades of Grey. My Review.

If you haven't heard of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy yet, then you must be living under a rock.   Women from all around the world are succumbing to the story of Mr Christian Grey through the eyes of Miss Anastasia Steele.

I read the books when they first came out, before most, therefore before the critics could get into my head.  I was instantly hooked and read the whole 3 in a week. 

There is no denying that from a literacy point of view, they are poorly written.  They lack structure and JE's writing is childlike.  However, this is what makes it an easy read and hey, when your book hits the NY best sellers, then you can critic her writing style.

I surprisingly related to Mr Grey and Miss Steele more than I expected.  I see so much of Brett in Christian.  Not the kinky parts (well... that is for me to know) but the messed up in the head parts.  I see a lot of me in Anastasia as I am forever trying to figure out what is going on in Brett's head.  I am forever walking on egg shells around Brett wondering if my actions will "set him off".   In my eyes, Ana feel head over heels in love and they had to figure it all out - story of my life.

In the end, 50 Shade of Grey is a terrific fantasy.  100% fiction.   I am not delusional that it is a very far fetched story, but hey, I also don't believe in vampires.  I fell in love with characters. I got swept up in the fantasy.  I connected with the characters in my own way, a way that no one else will ever understand.  My girlfriends connected with the books in different ways that I did.  Each of us has our own background story and each of us got different things from the book.  I honestly think this is wonderful. 

Isn't that what reading is all about?

My advice is to don't think too much when reading it, which, as I said before, the writing style makes easy to do.  Enjoy the books for what they are.  I actually spent most of my reading time imagining the movie.  Reading it like a movie script seemed to work better for me.  You are not going to get smarter reading them, but that is ok.  Enjoy the far fetched fantasy.

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Friday, September 21, 2012

Let's Talk About Sex.

When I was younger, I never had the "talk" with my parents.  I was the last in my age group to find out about things - usually by my peers or teachers.

I remember the time I found out about "periods".  I was in year 6, 11 years old.  I had a bad tummy ache and I told my teacher.  She took me aside and asked "Do you know about periods?".  I looked up at her with puzzlement and said "No?".  She then told me to ask my mother when I got home that night.

As my mum pulled up at the school pick up, my little brother and I jumped into the car and I burst "Mum, what is a period?".  She looked at my brother and then back at me.  "Not now.  I will talk to you later".  I am not sure we actually had the talk later.  I don't remember.  I do remember her coming home one day with a "pack".  Inside was a bunch of pamplets, some micro tampons and a few different types of pads.  She handed it to me and that was it.

Two years later I got my first period and it was very scary.  For months, as soon as it would start, I would spend two days crying and sending myself to the school sick bay.  I was so scared to talk to anyone about it.  I would make up different stories to the sick nurse (who, incidentally was a Nun - I went to an all girls Catholic school) about why I was there.   I had no idea what to actually do with the "stuff" in my pack.  And looking back now, I was pretty dangerous with my use of tampons.

I swore it would be different with my children.  I want to be the one to tell them everything.  I want to have open honest discussions with my children.  I want them to feel somewhat comfortable about coming to me (or Brett) for information about a topic that is very uncomfortable in the eyes of a pre-teen.  I don't want it to be taboo - I want the conversations to be as natural as any other "dinner table talk".

I am fully aware that children are growing up faster these days and as Hayden is 10 and Lucy is 8, I am starting to think about how we will approach "the talk".  My biggest concern is that if I wait for them to ask questions... then they have already had the conversation at some stage with their peers.  And I am not sure I like that idea.  That said, I don't want to start the conversation too early. 

Ultimately, I will eventually take them aside, individually, and start with the basic "Birds and Bee's" talk.  I will probably gather some age appropriate books from the library.  Or maybe not. 

I honestly have no idea.  I guess I will just have to go with the flow.

How did you / do you plan to broach the subject with your children?

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Getting my groove.

What a month.  A big, exhausting, extraordinary, life changing, soul searching month.

As you can see, I have had September off from my blog.  It wasn't my intention -  I have a million blog posts circling around in my head, however I have been struggling to wrap my head around the million of other things going on.

Firstly, my university course started.  To say I am lost is an understatement.  At this stage, the content bores me.  I know I have to push through this first "Orientation" unit.  But it really disinterests me.  Two weeks into the unit and I had one assignment and a three hour quiz due.  I stressed, put them off, stressed some more and eventually did them both with just a day to spare.  Turns out I shouldn't have worried.  I received a High Distinction and Distinction respectively and some awesome, confidence boosting remarks from my tutor.

Thing is, I am really struggling with finding the balance.  As regular readers of my blog know, I run a tight ship at home.  Routines are set in stone and our schedules are so automatic that throwing something as extensive as studying into the mix has been a real undertaking.  I am hoping that a natural pattern starts to emerge.

Secondly, Brett has been struggling.  He has an appointment next week with his Shrink to discuss where to go.  I struggle with how to help him.  I know that all these "changes" at home are not helping with his headspace at all (he has never been very accepting of change... even when he agrees with it wholeheartedly).   Consequently, the time I would normally sit down to write, I have been sitting quietly with him.  Not such a bad thing, but I really have missed my blog.

Thirdly, we had some very grievous news about one of our Reasons, which I am not going to get into here.  Not yet.  The point is that I have gone through the usual emotions when you get such information.  Denial, shock, guilt, anger, depression and I am at the upward turn right now.  We are trying to adjust our lives and work out how to address the "issue", now and in the future.  It has taken it's toll on the whole family.  I am sorry I can't give you any more information.  I one day hope to, but right now, it is just too raw.  

As you can see, with all of the above, along with the usual goings on of a large family, a baby girl turning TWO and the mother grief that comes with that major event, my September has almost been a write off.  Almost.

On a good note, I have had some wonderful adventures.  Two really fun Blogger events, some family adventures and the excitement side of my new Student/Writer life and I am one very happy girl.

I am starting to find my groove.

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