Monday, July 30, 2012

The week that was.

I think I had a breakdown.

I know, I know.  I hear you are laughing whilst sarcastically saying, "Really?"

It all just got too much.  And by "it", I mean life.  My full on, stressed to the max, life.

I hid it well.  Most of my friends had no idea.  Brett didn't really know the extent of my thoughts.  Heck, I am not sure I knew the magnitude but last week, it all came crashing down.  Spectacularly!

Even with the beautiful way I shattered, I picked up the pieces and started the climb.  A climb, not only to the plateau, but to a higher destination.  I feel like I have intention now.  A goal.

In amongst the clouds last week, all I wanted to do was run.  Drown out my thoughts with loud music and run away.   So first thing first, I coughed up the courage and joined the gym.  And I started running.  And it feels SO good!

I didn't joined the gym to loose weight, although I know it will be a side effect.  I joined the gym to escape.  I need a guilt free escape.

Next came some serious soul searching.  What do I want from my one little life?  A husband and family was always my big dream.  I can confidently say that I not only achieved my dream, but I conquered it.

I have the most amazing family.  No one can ever deny that.

For over 12 years, this was enough.  For 12 years I have said "This is my purpose", "This is all I need and want in life".  In 12 years I have gone from being a young 20 year old newly wed, to a mama to five little beings.   But people change.  How could I not grow and change in that time?  I have different interests and even some different views of the world.  Even though, without a doubt, my family will always be my greatest achievement... for the first time ever, I feel as though it isn't enough.

As a result, I made myself sick.  I was silently tormented by my inner demons.  Demons that tried to tell me that I had no right to feel the way I did.  Lost and unhappy.  My darling husband has said to me a times "Why are you unhappy?  You have nothing to be unhappy about!"  And he is right... but also so wrong.

I went online.  Searching for something for "me".  I always thought that I would go into teaching.  But lets face it, after five children, I don't want to work with children.  Maybe I could go into accounting.  I worked for my parents business doing bookkeeping and payroll.  It was easy and I was good at it, but it was never a passion.

I knew what I wanted to do, but always thought that it was an impossibility.  Something that we would not ever be able to afford and something that I quietly doubted I could actually do.

I want to go to University.  I never went to University.  I went straight from school, to the family business, to married, to being a stay-at-home-mum.  I want to pursue my dream.

I clicked on the University Online Chat feature purely to find out costs.  I chatted away with a lovely representative and told her my history.  An "average" OP Score -  (that was 16 years old) and no further "official" learning.  I thought that they would tell me that I wasn't "qualified" to attend Uni and that I would have to go to TAFE.  I was pleasantly surprised that I can get in as a "mature aged student".  She then went on to tell me the costs.  Again, I was surprised with the "help" I can receive and the payment plans that I can access.

My next step was talking to Brett.  This was hard to do.  I had already decided that I was not going to listen to the "Mummy Guilt".  I needed this.  The "Wife Guilt" was a whole other story.  How do I tell the love of my life that what he has given to me for the past 12+ years wasn't enough anymore?  How do I tell him that I desperately want to pursue my dreams, when I know all of his were put on hold so that he could be the "bread winner" for our family?

I don't want him to resent me.

I still have my doubts as to wether he supports it 100%.  I think he might be 90% there.  I can live with that.  I have to live with that.

So, in 27 days (and counting), I start the next chapter of my life.  I start University.

"What are you studying?" I hear you ask.  I am going to get my Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Professional Writing and Publishing.

My dream.  And I can't wait to have you along for the ride.


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I can almost see itThat dream I am dreamingBut there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm takingEvery move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking
But I gotta keep tryingGotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb
The struggles I'm facingThe chances I'm takingSometimes might knock me downBut no, I'm not breaking
I may not know itBut these are the moments thatI'm gonna remember most, yeahJust gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strongJust keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be an uphill battleSomebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbingKeep the faith, babyIt's all about, it's all about the climbKeep the faith, keep your faith,

MILEY CYRUS - THE CLIMB LYRICS


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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Where from here?

After spending 2 days curled up in a ball, rocking myself in a flood of tears, I am ready to face the world again.

My life is perfect and yet it is so far from perfect.  I know exactly what I have.  I have never looked at what I don't have.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that.  There is so much more that is going on... behind the scenes.  I had to reach rock bottom to start the climb.

Thank you for every single message, email, and comment.  Even the harsh ones.  I guess it is hard for you to imagine exactly what is going on in my head... but the fact of the matter is that I have spent 12 years looking after someone else.  My husband.

I wish I could say that he was my rock.  But the reality is, that I have had to be his.  I "sucked it up" and "got on with it" for many many years.  And it has obviously been building.

I sort help.  I have spoken to councillors, GP's, psychiatrists over the years and they all agree that I do not have depression.  The Questionnaire I did at my GP showed no depression, but high levels of stress.  How can I not be stressed with the cards I have been dealt?  Cards that aren't even for me... and yet I am playing them.

With this comes anger.  I am so angry.  This isn't what I envisioned in my happily ever after. I have to accept that there is no such thing as a epic movie happily ever after.  This is an ongoing story... one that won't end with us riding into the sunset.

My biggest problem is that I am stuck in a rut.  A huge hole looking after my family, my husband, whom I adore and would do anything for... obviously I have proven this.

For the past few years, I have found myself saying no to things, using the "It isn't my time" line as an excuse.  And I guess I was right.  Brett's mental health was top priority.  I had already almost lost him once... doing something for me wasn't important as loosing him.

But it has been a struggle... because along the way, I have lost a HUGE chuck of who I am.  In fact, I am not sure I have ever known who I am.  I married young and was shoved on this roller coaster straight away.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a thing.  It is my life.  MY life.

I have sat in tears the past few days trying to figure out what I love to do.  What do I want to do with my life from here on out?  I have no idea.  No fucken clue.

I have achieved my greatest success with an amazingly wonderful husband and 5 extraordinary children.  But I can't shake the feeling that it isn't enough, yet I don't know what else I need.

Now that the "baby" years are coming to a close... I need to start thinking about the next chapter.  I haven't a clue how to start writing.  I haven't a clue what I love to do!!!

I sit here, even now, wondering what I should do with my life, obviously after looking after Brett and the kids... which will always be my top priority.  But what next?  Nursing?  Teaching? Running another restaurant?  Go back into accounting, my "career" before kids?  I was good at that... but I am not sure it is what I want to do.  I have no clue.

I do know this... I am ready to start the next chapter.    


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Monday, July 23, 2012

Darker

I don't know where to start.  I can't even remember when this started.  Weeks?  Months?  Years?  I am not sure.

I sit here sobbing.  Uncontrollably.

I have watched myself sinking, but the last few days, I have finally hit the bottom.   Not sure what to do anymore.

I don't eat.  I don't sleep.  I just... am.   I keep myself busy.

I don't have depression.  This I know.  Yet I am lost.  So very lost.  And in a way trapped.

I am pulling away again.  From my friends, from my husband, from my children.  From the world.   I have gone off the radar.  I put on a brave brave face in front of people.  Little do they know that the flood gates are only just holding.  I scurry around praying that no one talks to me.  I don't have the words and my emotions are cracking.

I am screaming inside for someone to look after me.  Who is looking after me?

So much is going on in my life.  So much more... that I will tell in time.  I just have to find the words.  And I guess the courage.

I have held back the tears for so long. But today, I sit here weeping.

Shit... I can't stop.  I guess it is what I need.


I need to figure this out.  And I need to do it now.  For me.  Now.


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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

{Brett's Write Mind} - A Matter of Manners


A young girl, maybe 9 or 10, came in to my shop one morning this week to buy her lunch for school.
She held her (mother’s) money tightly in her hand, a bright smile lighting up a dull, drizzly morning.
I greeted her and asked her what she would like.
“May I please have…”
Not “Give me…” or “I want…”
She didn’t hear something I asked her.
“I beg your pardon?”
Not “What?” or “Huh?”
There were a few more pleases and thankyous before we reached the end of the line. Would she like a drink?
“No thankyou”
No “Nuh” or “Nah”
As she walked out the door, I seriously had goosebumps.
A primary school child in 2012 using perfect manners - with no prompting from a hovering parent. Amazing.
Amazing? No, pretty sad really.

Sad that the bare minimum of good manners is the exception. Sad that a child saying please and thankyou made my day. Take nothing away from this little star, she should show the other 90% of kids that come in how its done.

Are we forgetting manners? Are they even important or relevant anymore? Heck yes. As parents we try to upload good manners to our children; “What’s the magic word?” “What do you say to Grandma?”. Teachers encourage and reward politeness and good manners from the second those little preppies hit the mat.

But we have to be vigilant. Minding the old P’s and Q’s is just the tip of the iceberg. Your child will (hopefully) want a job one day. It is here, in the job interview that good manners will give your big kid the big edge.

A recent survey by a U.S. job placement agency found that “Job candidates' interview manners are in desperate need of a performance review.”
Among other disturbing results of the survey, an astonishing 43% used profanity during an interview. 19% brought a child in to an interview, 13% applied makeup and 12% actually left before the end of an interview. A shocking 87% dressed inappropriately for the interview (This probably would not surprise anyone who has ever conducted job interviews). All this, in a country with 8% unemployment.

As parents, its up to us to not only build the platform of good manners but constantly re-enforce it. We all want the best for our kids, and these basics of life will give them a greater chance. I’m not talking about table manners or formal etiquette, I’m not suggesting we all send our kids off to deportment school, just to live and breathe the essential 5:
-       “Please”
-       “Thank you”
-       “May I?”
-       “Excuse Me”
-       “I’m Sorry”

It costs nothing and takes no time. The rewards however, are priceless. They may hate or resent us for it now, but thank us, quite politely when it pays off.
Oh, and just for interest's sake, 5% of job applicants actually took a long bathroom break during the interview. I guess when you gotta go…

Peace and Love,
Brett


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm Back

WOW!  I don't know where to start.  The past 3 week have been a roller coaster ride.   I have screamed to get off at many points.  Tears have flowed... sometimes slowly, sometimes rushing uncontrollably.

I still haven't managed to get used to this ride.  A ride I have been traveling on for over 8 years.  Will I ever be able to navigate this life without getting so emotional?

I keep saying how exhausting it is... yet I have no time to rest.  One after another the ups and downs force me into a spiral.

I struggle with the thoughts I face - battling the things I NEED verses the things I have no choice but to do.  And I have no choice.  This is my life.  It is hard.  It is bitter sweet.

It is my life.

I took the past few weeks off from the blog... purely because I didn't have the energy.  I was too busy with the struggles.  Five kids and then myself with Gastro, trying to fill the Five Little Reasons memories with Holiday adventures, battling my anger with the world while trying to hold it together in front of my Bipolar husband.

It is exhausting.  For a second, I thought about giving up my blog.  I don't want to let people down.  So many gorgeous people that wait for my writing.  I find it difficult to stick to a blogging schedule.  But I came to the realisation that it doesn't matter.  I have so many gorgeous readers (I know you are there... I get your emails and messages <3 ) and I have this need to write.  For you.  For me.

So, I am back.  Ready to face the 2nd half of the year.  I have so many things to offer.   I know this.  And I want to offer them to you.

I really do love my life.  I am one lucky girl.

Thank you for sticking around.  x


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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Another Last of the Firsts.

I find myself taking moments to reflect when Camille does something.   All of her "firsts" will be the last.

Remember me packing the cradle away? (see HERE)

Today, I savoured another last "First".

Camille's First Ballet Class.

I remember Lucy's first class like it was yesterday.

Of course, I came home and put together this quick video using the quick snaps I snuck in the class.  Next week, I won't be allowed to watch.


I find it more difficult to "let go" with Camille.  I guess that is normal with your last.

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