I know, I know. I hear you are laughing whilst sarcastically saying, "Really?"
It all just got too much. And by "it", I mean life. My full on, stressed to the max, life.
I hid it well. Most of my friends had no idea. Brett didn't really know the extent of my thoughts. Heck, I am not sure I knew the magnitude but last week, it all came crashing down. Spectacularly!
Even with the beautiful way I shattered, I picked up the pieces and started the climb. A climb, not only to the plateau, but to a higher destination. I feel like I have intention now. A goal.
In amongst the clouds last week, all I wanted to do was run. Drown out my thoughts with loud music and run away. So first thing first, I coughed up the courage and joined the gym. And I started running. And it feels SO good!
I didn't joined the gym to loose weight, although I know it will be a side effect. I joined the gym to escape. I need a guilt free escape.
Next came some serious soul searching. What do I want from my one little life? A husband and family was always my big dream. I can confidently say that I not only achieved my dream, but I conquered it.
I have the most amazing family. No one can ever deny that.
For over 12 years, this was enough. For 12 years I have said "This is my purpose", "This is all I need and want in life". In 12 years I have gone from being a young 20 year old newly wed, to a mama to five little beings. But people change. How could I not grow and change in that time? I have different interests and even some different views of the world. Even though, without a doubt, my family will always be my greatest achievement... for the first time ever, I feel as though it isn't enough.
As a result, I made myself sick. I was silently tormented by my inner demons. Demons that tried to tell me that I had no right to feel the way I did. Lost and unhappy. My darling husband has said to me a times "Why are you unhappy? You have nothing to be unhappy about!" And he is right... but also so wrong.
I went online. Searching for something for "me". I always thought that I would go into teaching. But lets face it, after five children, I don't want to work with children. Maybe I could go into accounting. I worked for my parents business doing bookkeeping and payroll. It was easy and I was good at it, but it was never a passion.
I knew what I wanted to do, but always thought that it was an impossibility. Something that we would not ever be able to afford and something that I quietly doubted I could actually do.
I want to go to University. I never went to University. I went straight from school, to the family business, to married, to being a stay-at-home-mum. I want to pursue my dream.
I clicked on the University Online Chat feature purely to find out costs. I chatted away with a lovely representative and told her my history. An "average" OP Score - (that was 16 years old) and no further "official" learning. I thought that they would tell me that I wasn't "qualified" to attend Uni and that I would have to go to TAFE. I was pleasantly surprised that I can get in as a "mature aged student". She then went on to tell me the costs. Again, I was surprised with the "help" I can receive and the payment plans that I can access.
My next step was talking to Brett. This was hard to do. I had already decided that I was not going to listen to the "Mummy Guilt". I needed this. The "Wife Guilt" was a whole other story. How do I tell the love of my life that what he has given to me for the past 12+ years wasn't enough anymore? How do I tell him that I desperately want to pursue my dreams, when I know all of his were put on hold so that he could be the "bread winner" for our family?
I don't want him to resent me.
I still have my doubts as to wether he supports it 100%. I think he might be 90% there. I can live with that. I have to live with that.
So, in 27 days (and counting), I start the next chapter of my life. I start University.
"What are you studying?" I hear you ask. I am going to get my Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Professional Writing and Publishing.
My dream. And I can't wait to have you along for the ride.