Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Forming new habits

For me... My eating is a habit. I was talking to a good friend yesterday about my addiction to sweets, and after she told me a personal story of why she goes for the sweets, I concluded that I have no emotional attachment to sweets... Or food in general.

My good friend seems to disagree, saying that we all have emotional reasons for eating. However deep they are buried.

Maybe she is right.


But for now, I need to kick the habit.

I have a number of sweet habits.

Take today for example.

While Brett stays at home with 4 of the reasons, I take Lucy to ballet. After dropping Lucy off to ballet, I will drive to the end of the street to fill the car up with fuel. As I make my way to the counter to pay, I will not say no to any and every sweet bar along the way.

I will more times than often walk out with 2, 3 or 4 bars of chocolate.

I will make my way back to the ballet carpark, where I will sit, alone, in my car and scoff said chocolate bars.

I will hide the evidence and feel guilty.

For like, 5 minutes.

I will then go home, have a really healthy dinner, and make it seem like I deserve a treat with a cup of tea after the kids have gone to bed.

And by treat, I mean a block of kitkat.

A whole block.

I then question my constant headaches throughout the day and my state of withdrawal.

I am not in denial. I know what I am doing. I know that it is a reason why I am 10-15kgs over my ideal weight.

I don't eat enough during the day, eating a quick fix for a late lunch, then a healthy dinner, but loads of sweets from about 2pm onwards.

Cakes, biscuits, slices. But when you have a tiny slice each time... It doesn't seem like you are binging.

But eating 20 tiny pieces over the course of say, 2-3 hours, is binge eating!

They are my weakness.

So today... Even though I have tried before... Today, it stops.

I have never been so committed. It is like a lightbulb has gone off in my head.

I guess it has a lot of do with my thoughts the other day.

This time... I am serious.

And if I hide a slip up, which I won't, I am only hurting myself.

Today, after I dropped Lucy off at ballet, I ordered a new habit.

I am sitting in zarraffas, with my sugarless coffee, writing.

45 minutes of a new habit.

And guess what?

I feel like crap, but I feel FANTASTIC!

Friday, February 24, 2012

This is the Stuff.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching, deep thinking in the past day.

Mainly about me.

What do I want in this life?  What do I need in this life?

When I am low, I always retreat to iTunes.  I put my headphones on, and I find a dark corner of the room and listen.  Sometimes I feel the rock and roll... but most of the time, I feel the story ballads.   The ones that really speak to me.

This one is very fitting to me at the moment.

In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed.

I've got a new appreciation.  It's not the end of the world.

It might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff you use.  

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Thursday, February 23, 2012

This is my life.

I have reached breaking point.  There is only so many times I can ride the wave before I get totally and utterly exhausted.

Enough is enough.

I am drowning.

I need to walk away.  I need to think of myself.  I need to be stronger... for me.

Brett has been in a low for a few days now.  Same shit... different low.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't live like this anymore.

Something has to give.

I am sick of walking around scared to my wits ends that my husband will be the next one to jump off a bridge.  So I keep quiet.  I don't say anything to him.  I keep the peace.  I baby him out of his low.  I cradle him back to the surface.  But in the meantime, I am gasping for air.

I am exhausted.

I have put myself aside for too many years.  I have put on more weight than I would have EVER dreamed of, because I have not looked after myself.  I have acne from the stress of my life.  I look in the mirror and I am not happy with the girl who is looking back at me.

I am an empty shell.

My soul is being destroyed one Bipolar episode at a time.

I want out.

But I have no out.

I love this man more than anything in the whole entire world.

More.  Than.  Anything.

He tells me things will change.  He says he will make a conscious effort to change.  He gets angry at himself for "putting me through this".

But I have heard it all before.  He has promised it will be the last time before.

So, today, I am making the change.

Things will change... but I will change it.

Today.... today was MY wake up call.

Watch me change my life.

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Sunday, February 19, 2012


I have spent the past week questioning myself.  Questioning my friendships.  Wondering why I don't have friends.

It started after I attended an event for a good friend and watched all her friends swoon over her.  She had a tonne of people doing things for her.  The whole event was planned and organised by friends.  I was a little hurt that I wasn't included, as we are very close, and was even more hurt when she said that she didn't want to bother me as  "She thought I had enough on my plate".  



I am warning you all now...

Do not EVER use the fact that I have a large family as an excuse not to include me.  I am not an invalid.  My kids are not challanging.  I can, and more to the point, I WANT to help.  I want to be included.  I NEED to be included.  

Moving on...

A week later, I realise I have more friends than I thought, however, I have really started to think about each and every single person in my life, and wonder...

I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends.  In primary school, I was a bit of a loaner.  I remember back as early as year 4, not being in any particular cliquey group.  I was always the wandering friend.  I was friends with everyone and could just sit and have lunch with whomever... even the boys.  It wasn't until late highschool that I started to realise that no one else was like that. I see the cliquey groups are still tight now... 20 years after highschool has finished!

In year 11, I had a steady boyfriend whom I would spend all my spare time with.  If I wasn't sleeping or working, I was with him.  And we had loads of fun.  We were together for 3 years.  From the ages 16-18.

I started working in the family business at 18 years old and even then I didn't make real friends.  I would watch as all the other girls would organise regular dinner dates and I would never be invited.  I never really understood why. 

I then met Brett and the whirlwind romance began.  Brett and I spent a little time exploring the nightlife scene.  I did love going out to nightclubs and parties... but I guess I grew up faster than most, so I wasn't interested in that life for long.   We then started a family... an finding friends was even harder, as everyone my age, was still young and free.

These days Facebook and the works has changed the dynamic of a friend.   Anyone and everyone can be your "friend".  I think we are too quick to put people in the friend basket and why are we surprised when the "friendship" goes south?  

I did a "Facebook Friendship Audit" and even though it was all in good fun, I am not surprised by the results.  I mean seriously...I don't really think I have 171 friends.

I think that facebook has made it far to easy to catch up with people.  I mean, with the click of a few keys, you have had a conversation or even gone through some photos and caught up with months of someones life.  

Friendship is a sacred thing and facebook is ruining the value of a friendship.  

What happened to sitting down with a girlfriend while the kids run wild, us drinking coffee and talking about your deepest, darkest secrets.  How many of my "friends" really know me?  What makes me happy?  What makes me sad?  What my regrets are in life?  What my dreams are?

I have learnt 3 things in the past week.

1.  I am still the same girl as I was back in school.  I am still the wandering friend.  I am friends with a lot of the mums at school but I see the cliquey groups forming.  I am not in one. The main thing I have learn about this though, is that it is OK!

2.  I am not alone, but I am lonely.  I am craving some contact with the outside world.  I can go weeks with only seeing friends at school drop offs/pickups.  I need to get out more.  Reach out more.  Connect more.

3.  My husband and the love of my life... he is my Best Friend.

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Monday, February 13, 2012

Beautiful Day

Queensland is a gorgeous place to live.  Most of the time, we have gorgeous sunny weather.  In the summer, we are blessed with magnificent storms.

When my friend asked me to take some photos of her and her family while her mama was visiting from overseas, I jumped at the opportunity to get some camera practice.  I love love taking photos, but I feel I have a long way to go to master the skill.

We headed down to the beach and she told me what kind of photos she was after.  I snapped away as they played and explored the gorgeous place in which we live.



Mother nature then decided to show off.  She really knows how to put on a show.

As we stood and watched the storm forming, we admired the gorgeous shapes and colours in the sky.

Just breathtaking.

Just another day to remind me of what a beautiful world we live in.

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