If you haven't picked up by now, I will tell you that I am a very confident person when it comes to my body. I have accepted what I look like. And I honestly don't care what other people think of me... on the outside. However, when it comes to my personality, I am very insecure. I crave people to love me. For who I am.
Now, I understand that some people won't like me. I get that. Totally. However when they don't like who they "think" I am, it really hurts. When I am called a bitch or arrogant by people that I don't even know... it really gets my goat. Who do they think I am???
I received an email recently from an person I know, basically telling me how she now admits to having judged my character incorrectly when she first met me many months ago. To her, I was "another loud mouth opinionated and annoying mother". I was a person who you heard before you could see, someone who had an opinion about everything and someone who came across as "arrogant and happy to walk all over everyone around me."
The email cut me to the core because she basically confirmed all my insecurities about myself. I have struggled for a very long time about how people see me. I am one of those people who doesn't make a good first impression.
I am loud and an extrovert. I am opinionated. I am self-confident. I am secure in my beliefs. I am passionate.
But that does not make me judgmental, arrogant, aggressive or cantankerous.
Having an opinion doesn't make you judgmental. I am the least judgemental person you will ever know. I accept everyone for who they are. I accept everyone for who they want to be. I accept everyone for what they want to do.
But I have an opinion. Actually, let me correct that by saying that I have my own ways. I have had 5 children. Five very different births, five very different personalities, five very different parenting tacktics for each child.
10 years of trying different things, different ways, different "opinions". With this gives me experience. A wide range of experience. And with this comes a well informed, well thought out opinion. But it is MY opinion and I understand that what works for me, doesn't necessarily work for others.
After receiving said email, I did what I normally do when someone judges my character - I retreated. Completely. I keep to myself in social situations, I only speak when spoken to and I flutter in and out of places without people knowing I was there. I took one of the Reasons to a birthday party recently and found myself sitting in the corner chanting "Do not say anything, do not say anything" whilst the lovely mums around me chatted about life. I didn't engage.
It was horrible. And I cried all the way home.
I LOVE engaging with people. It is who I am. And I love who I am.
I am glad this Mama emailed me to let me know that after getting to know me better, she admits she judged me very harshly. I am nothing like what she first thought.
I am kind, I am gentle and I am open minded and tolerant.
I wish people were like this of me. Don't judge a book by it's cover.