I have become very cynical when it comes to friendships. Too many times, I have been utterly destroyed by people claiming to be my friend. Too many times, friendships have just "disappeared". Without warning. Without a reason. Just vanished into thin air.
I guess this has made me very insecure with friendships. I am a very bubbly, happy, easy-to-get-along-with person. However, I end up lying in bed at night questioning my words... wondering if I have said something that would have offended someone that day. Questioning my friends motives. Are they just being nice to me because they want something? Or because they feel sorry for me? Or because they feel like they have to be my friend for one reason or another. Ultimately, I end up pushing people away. It is easier to be the one to disappear than to go through the heart ache of being forgotten. Again.
I have loads of people around me. I like to think I have many friends. I am friendly with everyone. I would give my world to be included, outside of the general "niceties". Without question. Without reason. Without having to invite myself - because let's face it, that just defeats the purpose of feeling like you are wanted.
I need a break from the loneliness, which is starting to totally consume me. I want to be included. In grown up fun. Away from the playdates and picnics and kids outings. I crave for someone to truly love me. Truly want to spend time with ME. Not with my kids, not with my family, but with Danielle. Who is an extraordinary person.
Instead, I sit at home, not alone, but lonely.