Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Here we go again.

Another Bipolar cycle.  Another mountain.  Another week of my life being turned upside down.  

I run a pretty tight ship here at the Five Little Reasons home.  I am very organised, I am very tidy, I am always up to date with things... except when Brett is in the midst of a Manic Depressive Episode.  

I don't sleep and my stress levels go through the roof.  The house suffers, which I have learnt to deal with - it is hard, but I have no choice - and everything is put on hold.  My schedule (to some degree) goes out the window and I have to live day by day.  

Last week, Brett had a very obvious Hypermanic episode.  Obvious to me.  He had no idea.  A girlfriend came over on Saturday for lunch and she had no idea.  She just thought he was "functioning".  He was cracking jokes, being loud, and running around like a chicken.  He spent the morning meticulously detailing both of our cars, playing with the kids, running in the street and burning a lot of energy.  Apparently he had been like this at work for a couple of days too.  Getting everything done in record speed, being loud and over "friendly". 

He was happy.  Very happy.  High as a kite happy.  And I could see right through it.  I don't tend to get worried about him during a hypermanic episode.  He has never done anything dangerous during a hypermanic episode.   With bipolar II, depression is the most pronounced feature - that is when I worry.  70% of Manic episodes are followed by a depressive episode and like clockwork, he then came down from his "high" yesterday.  

This time, he didn't crash so hard.  He has crashed harder before.  This time, he just walked around the house saying horrid things about himself and stood for 1 hour last night hitting his head on the doorframe.  He also had some hallucinations and horrid dreams.  He heard voices and was imagining his death.  He told me this morning.  

I worry that he hasn't taken his medication. 

I worry that he won't get to work safely.

I worry that he will just disappear.

I worry that he will hurt himself.  

I worry.  All.  The.  Time. 

And I get angry.  Angry at the universe for doing this.  Angry with the medication for not doing it's job this time.  Angry at him for not being "normal".  

But I can't be angry.  I have to fight the anger.  Because it isn't his fault.  It isn't my fault.  It isn't anyone's fault.  It is just the cards that have been dealt.

And I know... in a couple of days he will be back to his "normal".  He will be back on level ground.  

Until the next time...


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17 comments:

  1. Danielle, I have nothing to say which people haven't said before. I feel for you and you have a bunch full of readers who feel like they know you and care for you.

    This too, will pass.

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  2. Gosh Hun, what a massive concern for you to have on your back...I'm assuming he is in reg Dr appts? Hopefully the next is soon & reviews are beneficial so you all can enjoy some relative peace again v soon. A terribly debilitating illness for those who live with it & their families. At least with you shining more light on this subject others can continue their education/awareness around mental illness/Bipolar Disorder & we can all grow to be a more inclusive & aware community. Must be so heartbreaking so see Brett feeling these things. I can imagine from my own experience through my career & from your blogs that it would be. Keep on writing...x (Kelly Walters)

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  3. Big hugs Dan! I wish I could do something to take away the pain for you both...

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  4. Oh Dani I so get this. I can tell when my DP hasn't taken his meds. When I question him he gets so angry but then he admits a few days later he hasn't taken them because he was feeling "better". Then we begin the cycle again,It's hard. So fricking hard. Big hugs for you xxxx

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  5. Wow, Danielle, big hugs to you and Brett.... my brother has bipolar and i have major depression, you give me an insight as to what it must be like for our partners and our parents.... you are a very inspiring, courageous person - please don't ever stop writing about your journey with Brett and his illness, the more we all talk, the more we all learn and also educate... my thoughts are with you today and I hope he comes out the other end sooner rather than later... (Jackie Fairfull) xoxoxo

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  6. Danielle, my younger brother was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder about 3 years ago. He was diagnosed with it after his first major pyschotic episode. We never saw it coming, he was an athelte performing at a National level and looking back we can see that mania was driving him! He went missing and we couldn't find him for 12 hours, then he was put into hospital for 4 weeks. He pretty much lost everything and moved in with my Mum for the first time in years. Slowly he came back from it and starting doing really well, he has a great pyschiatrist in Brissie! Then 18 months ago he took himself off the lithium and this time went missing for 24 hours, another major pyschotic episode making him a priority one at the hospital when he was admitted. Once again he lost his job etc and then followed the rebuild of his life. Day to day he functions so well on his lithium. With this type of Bipolar the mania is so high it goes into psychosis and that is so scary! My Mum and Dad are often put down by family and friends who don't understand why they support my brother so much (even financially when he needs it). We could have lost him twice! His courage is amazing, yet he is so ashamed of it and only those who are closest to him know what he has been through! I cringe when I see people misuse the word Bipolar eg I am having a bipolar moment and I think this country puts a lot of focus on cancer (which has also affected my family so I am not downpalying that) and not a lot of focus on mental health! Brett is very blessed to have your love and support! Hoping the build back to stability goes quickly this time!

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  7. Goodness Danielle,
    Sounds like he is having a bad time. Here if you need to talk. My hubby has been dealing with this for years, so we have stabilised, and he only has small downs now, if you need to talk about anything, please let me know. It will get better as long as he has the right help and meds, and of course you are doing the world of good. My hubby often asks me why I am still here, since he has Bi-Polar, he says I don't deserve it, and he beats himself up becaue he feels he has 'done this' to our family, but just being there helps alot, knowing you are there for them no matter what, I wouldnt leave my hubby for anything, bi-polar or not, and I am sure you wouldnt either, thats all that he needs to know, is that you are not going anywhere xxxx

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  8. Know exactly where you are. Been doing it for 35 years with my DH. You will survive. I wrap my arms around you and send you my strength. Xxxxxx

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  9. Just sending love, wish there was more I could say and do. xx

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  10. Oh hun - I wish I knew what the right thing to say is, but I dont, but I will say I am sending so much love your way. One of my Besties is Bipolar and I hate the highs because I just KNOW that within days I will be helping her hubby deal with the crash. I cant even begin to imagine how worrying it would be for you to live with it day in and day out. Big Big Hugs lovely xx

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  11. Such a great post, sharing the realities of mental illness - the signs, the waves, and the impact it has. Hang in there!

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  12. You are such an amazing woman, Dani. Truly. Im sending you hugs because no words seem appropriate, except - please call me if I can be of any help. I mean it.
    xx

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  13. Its a long road with a lot of potholes, well done you :)

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  14. I love how you share from the heart, and you share your life the way it is.

    Mental illness is real, and is more common then anyone is aware of. If only it was not such a hush/hush subject. If only the system could help those that really need it. If only more people were aware of the illness, and could really understand what happens with the highs/lows.

    And good on you for being there for Brett. Good on you for being you - wishing the best for you and family xxx

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I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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