Another Bipolar cycle. Another mountain. Another week of my life being turned upside down.
I run a pretty tight ship here at the Five Little Reasons home. I am very organised, I am very tidy, I am always up to date with things... except when Brett is in the midst of a Manic Depressive Episode.
I don't sleep and my stress levels go through the roof. The house suffers, which I have learnt to deal with - it is hard, but I have no choice - and everything is put on hold. My schedule (to some degree) goes out the window and I have to live day by day.
Last week, Brett had a very obvious Hypermanic episode. Obvious to me. He had no idea. A girlfriend came over on Saturday for lunch and she had no idea. She just thought he was "functioning". He was cracking jokes, being loud, and running around like a chicken. He spent the morning meticulously detailing both of our cars, playing with the kids, running in the street and burning a lot of energy. Apparently he had been like this at work for a couple of days too. Getting everything done in record speed, being loud and over "friendly".
He was happy. Very happy. High as a kite happy. And I could see right through it. I don't tend to get worried about him during a hypermanic episode. He has never done anything dangerous during a hypermanic episode. With bipolar II, depression is the most pronounced feature - that is when I worry. 70% of Manic episodes are followed by a depressive episode and like clockwork, he then came down from his "high" yesterday.
This time, he didn't crash so hard. He has crashed harder before. This time, he just walked around the house saying horrid things about himself and stood for 1 hour last night hitting his head on the doorframe. He also had some hallucinations and horrid dreams. He heard voices and was imagining his death. He told me this morning.
I worry that he hasn't taken his medication.
I worry that he won't get to work safely.
I worry that he will just disappear.
I worry that he will hurt himself.
I worry. All. The. Time.
And I get angry. Angry at the universe for doing this. Angry with the medication for not doing it's job this time. Angry at him for not being "normal".
But I can't be angry. I have to fight the anger. Because it isn't his fault. It isn't my fault. It isn't anyone's fault. It is just the cards that have been dealt.
And I know... in a couple of days he will be back to his "normal". He will be back on level ground.
Until the next time...