After spending 2 days curled up in a ball, rocking myself in a flood of tears, I am ready to face the world again.
My life is perfect and yet it is so far from perfect. I know exactly what I have. I have never looked at what I don't have. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. There is so much more that is going on... behind the scenes. I had to reach rock bottom to start the climb.
Thank you for every single message, email, and comment. Even the harsh ones. I guess it is hard for you to imagine exactly what is going on in my head... but the fact of the matter is that I have spent 12 years looking after someone else. My husband.
I wish I could say that he was my rock. But the reality is, that I have had to be his. I "sucked it up" and "got on with it" for many many years. And it has obviously been building.
I sort help. I have spoken to councillors, GP's, psychiatrists over the years and they all agree that I do not have depression. The Questionnaire I did at my GP showed no depression, but high levels of stress. How can I not be stressed with the cards I have been dealt? Cards that aren't even for me... and yet I am playing them.
With this comes anger. I am so angry. This isn't what I envisioned in my happily ever after. I have to accept that there is no such thing as a epic movie happily ever after. This is an ongoing story... one that won't end with us riding into the sunset.
My biggest problem is that I am stuck in a rut. A huge hole looking after my family, my husband, whom I adore and would do anything for... obviously I have proven this.
For the past few years, I have found myself saying no to things, using the "It isn't my time" line as an excuse. And I guess I was right. Brett's mental health was top priority. I had already almost lost him once... doing something for me wasn't important as loosing him.
But it has been a struggle... because along the way, I have lost a HUGE chuck of who I am. In fact, I am not sure I have ever known who I am. I married young and was shoved on this roller coaster straight away. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a thing. It is my life. MY life.
I have sat in tears the past few days trying to figure out what I love to do. What do I want to do with my life from here on out? I have no idea. No fucken clue.
I have achieved my greatest success with an amazingly wonderful husband and 5 extraordinary children. But I can't shake the feeling that it isn't enough, yet I don't know what else I need.
Now that the "baby" years are coming to a close... I need to start thinking about the next chapter. I haven't a clue how to start writing. I haven't a clue what I love to do!!!
I sit here, even now, wondering what I should do with my life, obviously after looking after Brett and the kids... which will always be my top priority. But what next? Nursing? Teaching? Running another restaurant? Go back into accounting, my "career" before kids? I was good at that... but I am not sure it is what I want to do. I have no clue.
I do know this... I am ready to start the next chapter.