Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Where from here?

After spending 2 days curled up in a ball, rocking myself in a flood of tears, I am ready to face the world again.

My life is perfect and yet it is so far from perfect.  I know exactly what I have.  I have never looked at what I don't have.  Anyone who knows me will tell you that.  There is so much more that is going on... behind the scenes.  I had to reach rock bottom to start the climb.

Thank you for every single message, email, and comment.  Even the harsh ones.  I guess it is hard for you to imagine exactly what is going on in my head... but the fact of the matter is that I have spent 12 years looking after someone else.  My husband.

I wish I could say that he was my rock.  But the reality is, that I have had to be his.  I "sucked it up" and "got on with it" for many many years.  And it has obviously been building.

I sort help.  I have spoken to councillors, GP's, psychiatrists over the years and they all agree that I do not have depression.  The Questionnaire I did at my GP showed no depression, but high levels of stress.  How can I not be stressed with the cards I have been dealt?  Cards that aren't even for me... and yet I am playing them.

With this comes anger.  I am so angry.  This isn't what I envisioned in my happily ever after. I have to accept that there is no such thing as a epic movie happily ever after.  This is an ongoing story... one that won't end with us riding into the sunset.

My biggest problem is that I am stuck in a rut.  A huge hole looking after my family, my husband, whom I adore and would do anything for... obviously I have proven this.

For the past few years, I have found myself saying no to things, using the "It isn't my time" line as an excuse.  And I guess I was right.  Brett's mental health was top priority.  I had already almost lost him once... doing something for me wasn't important as loosing him.

But it has been a struggle... because along the way, I have lost a HUGE chuck of who I am.  In fact, I am not sure I have ever known who I am.  I married young and was shoved on this roller coaster straight away.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a thing.  It is my life.  MY life.

I have sat in tears the past few days trying to figure out what I love to do.  What do I want to do with my life from here on out?  I have no idea.  No fucken clue.

I have achieved my greatest success with an amazingly wonderful husband and 5 extraordinary children.  But I can't shake the feeling that it isn't enough, yet I don't know what else I need.

Now that the "baby" years are coming to a close... I need to start thinking about the next chapter.  I haven't a clue how to start writing.  I haven't a clue what I love to do!!!

I sit here, even now, wondering what I should do with my life, obviously after looking after Brett and the kids... which will always be my top priority.  But what next?  Nursing?  Teaching? Running another restaurant?  Go back into accounting, my "career" before kids?  I was good at that... but I am not sure it is what I want to do.  I have no clue.

I do know this... I am ready to start the next chapter.    


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19 comments:

  1. Hey Danielle, glad to see you feel you have some perspective. I am not faced with the same challenges as you, I have a husband that can fend for himself and 3 children. But yet I can in so many ways relate to where you are coming from.
    I feel like my family is trapped, I don't know how to move us forward.
    I've wandered through my life never really knowing what it is I want to do. I still joke I need to find out what it is I want to do when I grow up, and am frightened at when too late might be.
    Good luck, I look forward to hearing about your lifes journey.

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  2. Biggest hugs hun you'll find your self you will we all do eventually, maybe try a little bit of everything you could do & see which one feels right the most.
    Perhaps a vision board might help?
    Ither way you will figure it out because you want to xxx

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  3. Hi Dan, I am feeling a little overwhelmed myself at the moment. But I have decided what to do with myself which I am thankful for. It is a huge decision what to do with the rest of your life. I mean it is potentially and literally what you do for the rest of your life and that is scary. Something that will continue to stimulate you and challenge you and that you will enjoy. That is the main reason I chose teaching and am going back at 38 to study it. But maybe something else is your calling. You do write well and your photographs are fantastic, maybe one of these. I think you always need to remember that although you are a mother and a wife and that you need to look after these people, you can only look after them well if you look after yourself. Please take some time for you also. Maybe you could start with a class one night a week or something, or a walk or a child free coffee with a girlfriend or to be given some time to read uninterrupted. Something for you.
    Anyway those are my thoughts and I hope you can pull yourself back up and feel better soon.
    Cassie xx

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  4. I have just come across your blog via a link from a Facebook page. I have not had timet o go back and read alot of your blog but I have read the last 2 posts. I feel I am in a similar place to you right now. Not becuase of my husband who is a god to me but becuase of myself and acute illlness and possibly the depression that goes with it. I dont know if mine is depression either. I had to give up work 18 months ago and I am just "floating" around not knowing what to do with myself and not knowing what the future brings. I find it very very hard to get out of bed in the morning. I dont cry anymore as I have no tears left. I dont know how you are manging to do ti with a sick hubby and 5 children. I have only myself all day every day. Too much time on my hands to think and be lonely. DO you find that is some of your problem - you can be either home alone or in a house full of p[pl and still be lonely?? I am lost too and I also dont know where to go from here. If you need someone to tlak to away form family and friends I can be there for you.

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  5. What a great post. I love reading real life gritty stuff like this. It reminds me that we are all in this together and we are doing the best we have. What I love most is that you are looking for 'what next'. I really love that. It is inspirational and challenging.

    You have a great blog here {I read but don't comment *blush*} I wonder if you are already WRITING your next chapter?

    Hats off to you, and all the best with your journey.

    Hugs,
    B

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  6. Stay strong sweetie <3 You can do whatever you set your mind to, just give it time and without wanting to sound like Oprah the 'a-ah' moment will come. Have faith in yourself like we all do, Kelly xx

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  7. I've been thinking of you a lot and am so glad you're feeling a bit better today. I can relate to every single word of what you've said, every word of it. I am in your exact same situation and I struggle with the future and what my next 'purpose' will be a lot. When all you ever wanted was a family, and the really hard years are behind you, then what? It's a real identity crisis. My options and considerations are different from yours, but it's still hard, and once again you feel as though you're walking around a foreign land with your eyes closed. Just remember, that all options are open to you, there are no limits in what you can do.. that seems like a scary prospect at first, but it does make your realise that you don't have to stay within the boundaries that you once were confined. Be a writer, i think you'd be great ;) xx

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  8. I know that this might not sit well with where you are right now, but if you are not looking after you, who is? If looking after you is not your priority, then what will happen when you break? Try reframing your questions. The best way to be of service to your family is to put yourself first.

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    Replies
    1. Sometimes there is no one to look after us. I don't have any one. Then what? You just soldier on and hope for the best.

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  9. Oh Danielle I so wish I had given you a big hug in the chemist the other day rather than grumbling a few words at you because I felt a bit under the weather. I love your honesty and strength and courage to put it out there.....I relate to everything you have said......its a big journey ahead...... I know it will work out for you.

    I wish you every happiness on your way there

    Hugs

    Ainsley

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  10. I tried to comment yesterday but the comment box threw a spaz at me. First thing honey is hugs and love. There are so many things I want to say, and I don't know where to start. I'm not you, but I have had more than my fair share of personal woes over the years and I still carry a lot of it now with PTSD issues etc. but I guess the biggest thing I want to share with you is how I started to find what it is I wanted to do. Sit down and have a daydream about all the fun creative things that you like doing as a kid. That's where I found my answers......writing, crafting, creating, designing and more, all of which I'm now doing with my blog and other endeavours. Maybe the answer already lies in you without having to commit to further studies and commitments.

    You know I'm not far from you, always here for a coffee if you're keen. I have big shoulders and ears. X

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  11. It's not an easy road at any time, and lack of fictions makes things harder. Like others have said, you just need to keep talking to others; it's when. Hide that it gets worse.
    You've got my number, and I'm here if you need someone to chat to. Xx

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  12. sometimes the hardest thing to do when you are trying to make time for yourself is to make a decision about what you really want, when you don't really know what it is that you 'really want'. So maybe just choose something that you have always wanted to try, that's not about making money to support your family, not about being there for anybody else, just something totally for you. I have been where you are and it's difficult to see a way out, so start small and choose for you. You are not alone xo

    Treenie

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  13. I've been thinking of you all day. So glad you are somewhat better today. Just take one day at a time, one step at a time. Big hugs and know that you have a lot of support in the blogging world xx

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  14. Thinking of you Hun. Have been there many times. Completely relate xxx

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  15. Thinking of you. This really resonated with me. Getting dealt a hand that you don't choose. Dealing with stress everyday. Figuring out who you are. Take care.

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  16. Danielle I don't think you've lost the WHO of what you are but more that the *new and improved* you has grown and developed. This IS you! Your a wife, a helper to your husband! And a MIGHTY GOOD ONE at that!! You have laid your life down for this man who in return provides for you, loves you and most likely desires the BEST for you.
    Without YOU your husband most likely wouldn't be half the man he is now.
    Your a mother to five beauties. You have laid your life down to love, care for, nourish, provide for the needs of these little people. Daily.
    You keep a house and make it your home. The safe haven for 6 exceptional people in your life.
    None of these things are light in effort and you have, you are, you will reap the benefit of what you are sowing into.
    On top of this your outlet is reaching out to others. You write, people relate, it becomes real.

    You are not alone on this journey, many live it, including myself.

    Just recently I decided I wasn't going to let my hubbies 'stuff' hold me back from my potential and I worked out it was me thinking he was holding me back. Sometimes he does but mostly it's not.
    What's a 'career' when you've got what you've got. Stay home, keep loving those babies and that man.


    And I'll be so bold as to say I don't think you have depression but are grieving. Hopes and dreams dashed. Yeh... Been on that one too ;)


    Know that your loved and cherished and keep writing from the heart. It's where you touch your readers on a much deeper level xxx
    In Love, Amy xxx

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  17. I think you are a very brave and a very strong woman. I realy dont know if I could have been so strong for so long. And your family is still together because of yours and your husbands strength (I've read his blog too). But we as humans can only be strong for so long and then something gives way to facilitate change. Your feelings are totally understandable, Brett's illness has taken a toll on your life. He has been worth it and you love him and he loves you and that is a great, great gift others in less challenging circumstances have lost. Your new chapter will unfold itself in your life when you are ready to recieve it. Have faith in your ability to overcome heartache, and peace will come to you, Brett and your family with grace and joy. From the incredible distance you have come already I have faith in you great lady. Claudia x

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  18. Hi danielle. I feel as though you are writing about my life. So many similar things, feelings, thoughts. I can very much relate to you right now. X x x

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I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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