Monday, July 30, 2012

The week that was.

I think I had a breakdown.

I know, I know.  I hear you are laughing whilst sarcastically saying, "Really?"

It all just got too much.  And by "it", I mean life.  My full on, stressed to the max, life.

I hid it well.  Most of my friends had no idea.  Brett didn't really know the extent of my thoughts.  Heck, I am not sure I knew the magnitude but last week, it all came crashing down.  Spectacularly!

Even with the beautiful way I shattered, I picked up the pieces and started the climb.  A climb, not only to the plateau, but to a higher destination.  I feel like I have intention now.  A goal.

In amongst the clouds last week, all I wanted to do was run.  Drown out my thoughts with loud music and run away.   So first thing first, I coughed up the courage and joined the gym.  And I started running.  And it feels SO good!

I didn't joined the gym to loose weight, although I know it will be a side effect.  I joined the gym to escape.  I need a guilt free escape.

Next came some serious soul searching.  What do I want from my one little life?  A husband and family was always my big dream.  I can confidently say that I not only achieved my dream, but I conquered it.

I have the most amazing family.  No one can ever deny that.

For over 12 years, this was enough.  For 12 years I have said "This is my purpose", "This is all I need and want in life".  In 12 years I have gone from being a young 20 year old newly wed, to a mama to five little beings.   But people change.  How could I not grow and change in that time?  I have different interests and even some different views of the world.  Even though, without a doubt, my family will always be my greatest achievement... for the first time ever, I feel as though it isn't enough.

As a result, I made myself sick.  I was silently tormented by my inner demons.  Demons that tried to tell me that I had no right to feel the way I did.  Lost and unhappy.  My darling husband has said to me a times "Why are you unhappy?  You have nothing to be unhappy about!"  And he is right... but also so wrong.

I went online.  Searching for something for "me".  I always thought that I would go into teaching.  But lets face it, after five children, I don't want to work with children.  Maybe I could go into accounting.  I worked for my parents business doing bookkeeping and payroll.  It was easy and I was good at it, but it was never a passion.

I knew what I wanted to do, but always thought that it was an impossibility.  Something that we would not ever be able to afford and something that I quietly doubted I could actually do.

I want to go to University.  I never went to University.  I went straight from school, to the family business, to married, to being a stay-at-home-mum.  I want to pursue my dream.

I clicked on the University Online Chat feature purely to find out costs.  I chatted away with a lovely representative and told her my history.  An "average" OP Score -  (that was 16 years old) and no further "official" learning.  I thought that they would tell me that I wasn't "qualified" to attend Uni and that I would have to go to TAFE.  I was pleasantly surprised that I can get in as a "mature aged student".  She then went on to tell me the costs.  Again, I was surprised with the "help" I can receive and the payment plans that I can access.

My next step was talking to Brett.  This was hard to do.  I had already decided that I was not going to listen to the "Mummy Guilt".  I needed this.  The "Wife Guilt" was a whole other story.  How do I tell the love of my life that what he has given to me for the past 12+ years wasn't enough anymore?  How do I tell him that I desperately want to pursue my dreams, when I know all of his were put on hold so that he could be the "bread winner" for our family?

I don't want him to resent me.

I still have my doubts as to wether he supports it 100%.  I think he might be 90% there.  I can live with that.  I have to live with that.

So, in 27 days (and counting), I start the next chapter of my life.  I start University.

"What are you studying?" I hear you ask.  I am going to get my Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Professional Writing and Publishing.

My dream.  And I can't wait to have you along for the ride.


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I can almost see itThat dream I am dreamingBut there's a voice inside my head saying"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm takingEvery move I make feelsLost with no directionMy faith is shaking
But I gotta keep tryingGotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb
The struggles I'm facingThe chances I'm takingSometimes might knock me downBut no, I'm not breaking
I may not know itBut these are the moments thatI'm gonna remember most, yeahJust gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strongJust keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be a uphill battleSometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountainI'm always gonna wanna make it moveAlways gonna be an uphill battleSomebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get thereAin't about what's waiting on the other sideIt's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbingKeep the faith, babyIt's all about, it's all about the climbKeep the faith, keep your faith,

MILEY CYRUS - THE CLIMB LYRICS


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30 comments:

  1. Wow Danielle! There must be something in the air at the moment as I too have had that feeling in e last week that there must be something more out there for me. I am a stay at home to three little cherubs, and have been at home for just over six years now. In my pre baby life I was a primary school teacher - I was passionate about it, I loved my job, I loved the kids, and I was pretty good at it, if I say so myself! But last weekend I had the 'what am I going to do with my ife' meltdown. Good on you for taking this big step forward I your life. I look forward to sharing in the journey with you. You have devoted the last 12 years of your life to your family......time for mumma to get her mojo back! Kylie

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    1. will you go back into your "passion" Kylie? Go back to teaching? Goodluck with what you decide!

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  2. Congratulations Dani!! Very proud of you and you should be very proud of yourself!!!

    So happy for you! Bring on 27 days... Can't wait to hear about your new adventures.

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    1. Thanks Megan. I can't wait to share them with you. x

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  3. You go girl!!!!!!
    What an inspiring post!
    I think because we live in such a fast paced, busy, technology demanding society...there are so many of us feeling like this.
    Chase your dreams Danielle. Your kids & husband will be so proud.\
    x

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    1. From rock bottom posts to inspiring posts. We have it all here! Thanks for listening. x

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  4. Wow - what a freakin week you have had - from one extreme to another! Wishing you the very best and brightest x

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    1. thanks Kirri. Still a loooong way to go... but at least I am on the way up! x

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  5. WOW! That is AWESOME!! I wish you every success.
    It's my biggest dream, to go to uni, but I can never justify the expense. I've put it off for over 20 years.
    Can't wait to hear about your journey!
    xx

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    1. Do it Mrs BC! The cost was very daunting to me, but I know that my life is worth it. x

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  6. Good for you, all the best with new adventure!!
    Marie

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    1. Thanks Marie. And an adventure it will be!

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  7. Congratulations Dani, I'm so excited for you.

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  8. I almost wrote this on your post last week when you were searching for something for yourself. I have 3 beautiful children ages 7, 5 and 3 and the most supportive husband in the world but I too found myself wanting something else for me. I was 21 when I had my eldest daughter and had only worked in retail before children. I'm only 28 (almost 29) and I started thinking, my youngest is 3 and my husband has said no more children (as that would have been my first wish!) so I did something I never ever thought I could do. Started University. Bachelor of Education (early childhood education) well I suprised the heck out of myself when I received a High Distinction for my first ever essay! Hilarious! Im now into my second semester and have already gained a job two days a week as a 3 year old kindy teacher!! This works around my kids school time so I am not missing out on anything. It gets difficult at times and stressful but I believe it will be worth it in the long run. Plus I think I'm showing my children that they can just go for things in life, give it a go! You may just suprise yourself! All the best with your very own adventure! - Jess

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    1. I am already surprising myself Jess. Big steps... but I have big feet! lol Well done on doing so well in your study and job! I would love to get to 2nd year and maybe, just maybe get an internship at a publishing house. I have much to learn... but I am ready!!! Thanks for following me. x

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  9. Congrats on realising your dream and doing something about it. And doing something for you, although your family will reap the benefits of a happier Mumma. I love that song from Miley and it is so apt for you right now. Best of luck, Stacey-Lee :D

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    1. It is my "theme song" right now. I am so much happier now, even though I haven't even started. But I have a clear head. That is what I have been searching for all this time. Thanks for reading Stacey-Lee. x

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  10. Big congratulations! What a fabulous outcome for the week that you've had. xx

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  11. YAY YAY YAAAAAAAY!!!!!
    That is all :D
    xo

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  12. I'm glad that you're doing this for you. It's ok to want more than you have. Promise. The only time it becomes a problem is when you take for granted what you have. But you, my dear, would never be capable of that.

    GO YOU!!

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    1. I think you know me too well Suger. That has been part of the demons in my head. Making me feel like if I crave something else, then I must take it all for granted. But I don't. I never will. I just need this. x

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  13. Wow!! That is fantastic, good on you for turning it all around. I look forward to following you on this awesome journey. Rachelx

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    1. Thanks Rachel. And what a turn around hey! I think I surprised myself a little. Thanks for reading. x

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  14. Uni is great. You'll love it.

    Love & stuff
    Mrs M

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  15. Go Danielle! I am so happy to hear that you are pushing through this and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Keeping dreaming girl - only you can make them come true!!! Oh and you write so beautifully and honestly. You definiately have talent in this area.

    :)

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  16. I hope you really don't think people are laughing sarcastically at you!
    All of these feelings are ok to feel (even though horrible and draining). So love how you have recognised the need to be 'you'! Not mummy-you, not wifey-you, but you-you! I believe this is Soooooooo important! Throw away that mummy/wifey guilt!
    What a role model you will be to your children! Showing that as adults you can learn and keep learning! Having a little piece of something that is 'just yours' will give you such great joy and use of your intellect that it will also ooze out of you and domino effect to your husband and kids. I hope what I am trying to say is sounding right! lol. I guess an example is when I do an artwork and am proud of it, I show it to them, I am happy and they are happy that I am happy, and I am motivated for anything.
    Ahhh I hope I don't sound too rambly!
    Anyway good on you and yes the gym - exercise so wonderful for getting those endorphins going. The feeling after a workout is one of a kind.

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  17. Awesome!! My 18yo sister is studying that too online!

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I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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