Monday, July 23, 2012

Darker

I don't know where to start.  I can't even remember when this started.  Weeks?  Months?  Years?  I am not sure.

I sit here sobbing.  Uncontrollably.

I have watched myself sinking, but the last few days, I have finally hit the bottom.   Not sure what to do anymore.

I don't eat.  I don't sleep.  I just... am.   I keep myself busy.

I don't have depression.  This I know.  Yet I am lost.  So very lost.  And in a way trapped.

I am pulling away again.  From my friends, from my husband, from my children.  From the world.   I have gone off the radar.  I put on a brave brave face in front of people.  Little do they know that the flood gates are only just holding.  I scurry around praying that no one talks to me.  I don't have the words and my emotions are cracking.

I am screaming inside for someone to look after me.  Who is looking after me?

So much is going on in my life.  So much more... that I will tell in time.  I just have to find the words.  And I guess the courage.

I have held back the tears for so long. But today, I sit here weeping.

Shit... I can't stop.  I guess it is what I need.


I need to figure this out.  And I need to do it now.  For me.  Now.


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42 comments:

  1. Honey, I know you say it's not depression but this is screaming out at me that you need help and everything fits the bill xoxo You know where I am and I have been through it all xo

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  2. *big tight cuddles* Right there with you hun, honestly. Although I think i'm starting to see the light. As much as you don't think it's depression, it probably is. It's just not what we think of it as.. we see depression as sad people.. not lost, fretful, 'in limbo' people with no sense of self. But that's what we are. I wish i had the answer, some piece of amazing advice that would make it all better.. but i don't. What i do know is that if you keep feeling around in the dark you WILL find the light.. it IS there.. just don't ever stop looking. xxx

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  3. Hey Danielle. I just wanted to reach out to you. To say what? I don't know. But can I please ask you to see someone - a doctor, someone you can talk to. I am worried about you and hope you are ok.

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  4. Oh no, it's terrible you feel this way but it's also okay. I am so glad you are able to express it here and hopefully that will help a little. Don't be scared to ask for help. Rachel xx

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  5. Oh Danielle very big hugs to you. While I don't know your exact reasons for where you are at right now, I've been there myself. Reasons that I don't have the courage to talk about on my blog, like you maybe one day. I believe in you, you have the strength inside, you have the love of your husband and children, and in the end that is all that matters. Get help though don't try and do it on your own, go to your GP, even just to talk about it helps. You are not alone. xxoo

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  6. Oh no. You poor poor thing... I really hope things start looking up for you and don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help x

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  7. This is not good!You need to talk to someone you trust and who is a good listener.You really don't need to here we can all feel like this at times but these feelings are very real so don't dismiss them and push them to the back of your head. Depression has many forms and to different degrees and is nothing to be ashamed of. xxx

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  8. Great big hugs, this has been your first step, you have got this

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  9. you may not have depression, but you may be having depressive episodes. whatever it is, you need to get help. start with your gp, who will refer you on. You need to break the dark clouds, and be able to see some blue sky. I have not been through this, but have lived with my teenage daughter through it for 2 years. Get help. for you and for your family's sake. I wish you all the best, after seeing my daughter in this state many times, I would not wish it on anyone xx

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  10. I've being following your blog for a little while now and longer on instagram. Go talk to someone it's the best thing that you can do for yourself. And Just remember to take care of your children's mother, that's you. I hope you find the light and yourself soon.

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  11. Sounds like your having a rough trot. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sometimes it just takes hitting the bottom so you can bounce back to the top and take a breath. Cry those tears, get them out, it is so ok to do this! And then wash your face, have a drink and go hug your kids and do something nice for yourself! xxx

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  12. Really really thinking of you xoxoxo

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  13. Hi darling, getting to this point happens. I know what you mean about someone looking after you, when you can't look after yourself. This is a sign, tell someone to call for you and take you to your trusted GP, it's hard I know. I know that you can do it though. I have seen your eyes. You carry a lot, let people ease the burden and hear you. Keep talking darling. You've got my number if in the dead of night you need to talk. Keep close to people, even if you don't want to talk. xxxx

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    1. PS, I don't mind heavy breathing down the phone either. xx

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  14. Hey Danielle, there is hope for you. 6 months ago my wife was in the same situation as you and we sought help and she is doing really now. There is some great advice above, please take it! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  15. The lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Thoughts & prayers for you at the moment. You're not alone xx

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  16. Were all here for you. Certainly not in real life but very much online x

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  17. I felt like this for a lot of last year. Hubby booked be in to see my GP. Cyberhugs & prayers xx

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  18. biggest hugs hon - i know you don't think you are depressed but please talk to your GP and let them help you determine if it is depression since it sounds like it to me (as someone who has been there)You don't have to feel like this day after day hon!!

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  19. Just wanted to send you some loving thoughts and hope that you feel a little less alone in your feelings, all which are completely ok. I'm glad that you are reaching out in this way and hope you will continue to do so, with your GP, your hubby and friends etc. You're never alone xx

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  20. Ooh hun, I don't know what you are going through to make you feel so sad, but loosing my mum recently has taken me down a path I never thought I would venture and am doing many of things you mentioned above. Life is not fair or kind at times, thinking of you lovely, sending you big hugs xx

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  21. Thinking of you. Being a mother is tough, you wear the weight of your childrens world on your shoulders. It doesn't matter how old we get we all still want someone to look after us. I hope you (and your hubby) find the help you need and the days get a little easier.

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  22. Danielle I am thinking of you. Why do you say you don't have depression? This is what depression feels like, even 'situational' depression. Please talk to your doctor about seeing a therapist, a few visits might be all you need.
    Hugs to you my friend.
    xxx

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  23. I have just recently found your blog and I love it I'm sorry to see you feeling so down, sending big hugs and positive vibes your way xx

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  24. Danielle, i hope you start to feel less alone soon. I have no close friends as i was doing exactly as you described by pushing people away, i did this before i realised what i was doing and they all let me do it.
    You have so many people reaching out to you, please let them in and let them help you.

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  25. Anonymous you are gutless, at least she put a name and face.

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  26. That is totally uncalled for Anonymous. I've been where Danielle is right now and if it made her feel better, even for just a few minutes, to write this blog then that is one giant leap forward.

    Thinking of you Danielle. Take care of yourself please.

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  27. Hey Anonymous,
    Piss off moron.
    Peace, Lee

    ~

    Danielle,

    Much love gorgeous lady. It's impossible to diagnose yourself. Leave it to the professionals. See someone asap.

    xxx Lee

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  28. I have just found your blog. I offer support and condolences. I too can understand what you are feeling. I felt it myself for a long time. I shut people out, and no one bothered to climb the wall to see if i was ok. I couldnt face people, i was sad, angry. There were huge amounts of feelings that i cannot even articulate, i kept a part of my story on my blog to look back on. You feel there is no place to start to tell or share your story as you arent quite sure yourself when it all started. Your family loves you unconditionally but you dont want them near you or to see you. You want to hide under the covers forever and wait for the world to stop so you can get off, but none of this happens:( For me i totally cracked one day and felt scared for my safety, my hubby took me to the drs and i was referred for councelling, while i found i didnt click with her she gave me great advice. Which i took on board as i got stronger and stronger. I also suffered badly from anxiety as well which compounded the feelings of uselessness, worthlessness, stupidness, ugliness, i hated myself. While my depression has eased my anxiety has also subsided somewhat. I urge you to PLEASE go see a doctor. People told me afterwards that i shouldnt have been ashamed to ask for help, if i had broken an arm or a leg i would have gone to get it fixed wouldnt i? I just didnt feel worthy of being fixed so i fought it. I am SO GLAD now i fought it and went to see the dr. The people have great advice here for you...please please please see somebody. Im sorry to hijack your comments thread, i just feel so strongly now that i know there is help and people are more accepting in helping if they know there is a problem or you arent coping.

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  29. Keep writing - such a great way to get all that emotion out! And I think you're right - crying is probably what you need right now. A good cry {and sleep} can give you clarity! Take extra good care to support yourself, and hoping that support finds you from friends, family and readers and surrounds you every day xxx

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  30. i am glad you are able to get some of this out by writing and crying....but please take heed of what many of the commenters said, and particularly Gemma's comment about keeping people around you even if you are not always talking. If all else fails look into the eyes of that guy on your instagram feed...he's got to bring a smile! Much love to you x

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  31. This makes me sad. I know exactly how you feel. how did I get here? How do I get out of here? The one thing that has helped me is talking to trusted friends and family. Draw closer to the Lord xx

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  32. Like I said stop Crying out for help, start seeking it!! More comments than ever on a post. It's paid off writing this.
    You have 5 children, if you dont want help then suck it up for them, life's not meant to be easy or a walk in the park!
    Work out what you want a live it, you want darkness then that's all you'll ever have. If you are suffering depression then, yes, you have no choice. But from your own admition y

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  33. Anonymous, do you think you're actually being helpful with your diatribe or are you just a nasty person? Don't you see that Danielle has taken the first step to seeking help by reaching out here? And from the numerous comments, she is not alone in this struggle. Like I said, get off your high horse and GO AWAY. No one wants to hear what you have to say.

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  34. No I'm not trying to help, by the sounds of it she doesnt want it any way. What I'm trying to get at is everyone has a choice, nobody MADE danielle feel like this or write this post. And people like her keep putting this out there, just makes more suffers think what they are going through is OK. It's not!! There is help out there, trust me. I too have been like this but did I wallow in self pity or cry by myself, no I did seek help and I haven't looked back!
    People hsve got to stop looking at what they haven't got and start looking at what they have. I am reallyworried aboutthe next gen we are raising, if this is how alot of mothers arefeeling!! You DON'T pull away from your children...... poor kids, probably blaming themselves!! You get help, you change your way of thinking, you accept your life you have chosen to live! Some people dnt even get to experience the unconditional love their own children bring, they lose husbands, they lose parents!!
    Life is to be lived however you choose! I am choosing to respond to this in a way I choose, soory if itupsets anyone, but open forum!! Just sayn!!

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    1. Yes you're right everyone has a choice, like you made the choice to come onto this blog and respond on this post in the way you have. You haven't spoken in a respectful way and you haven't contributed anything so why bother? When you say it's paid off by her writing this yes it has. Other women get to see that what they feel is also felt by other people. The comments allow us to share our mutual feelings of sadness and depressions without fear of reprission. You sit behind your computer and write a negative comment on a very heartfelt post and say hey it's an open forum.....you don't seem to be being open at all.

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  35. Danielle,

    Sweetheart, you are a gorgeous person. And the burden you carry with you is large. A burden that you didn't choose; it was handed to you.

    I've been reading Anonymous' comments. Does Anonymous have a point? No. For so long we have encouraged people who are either depressed or suffer from depressive bouts to talk about it. We need to acknowledge that it exists. Don't shy away from that. I think Anonymous is confusing that will self pity. The two things couldn't be further apart.

    We know that you would seek help. You sought help for your husband and I know you see the merit of professional help. We are mere people who are allowed to fall down. But we also have an unstoppable desire to get back up.

    I know you love your kids and your husband. Anyone can see that.

    Love & stuff
    Ms M

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  36. Kim - Reunite Child AssistJuly 24, 2012 at 10:02 AM

    Danielle,
    I hope you are felling a little better and a little stronger after reading all the lovely supportive comments above, minus the negative ones. I have been here, but I don't cry, I get really really angry. It took me years to go and see my GP as I thought it was just normal. No one should have to go through this, it breaks my heart for you. You are strong enough to share your post and your innermost "demons" with us here, and that is an incredible step to fixing this.
    You have 5 beautiful, although I am sure at times challenging, children, who need you and who may be too young to support you, but thier need is thier form of support.
    Best of luck with this Danielle, and if this post and feedback has helped you in anyway, please keep us posted, I am confident everyone here would continue to support you through your darkest hours.
    Sending love, Kim

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  37. Danielle, it actually pains me to read this. I have been where you are and it is awful. I know that you don't feel that it is depression. I have been there, too. I really beg you to go see your GP. When I finally went I still didn't believe I was depressed: it wasn't until he said how relieved he was that I had come to him that I realised how bag things were. Depression rarely 'feels' like depression. It is more than just being sad - it can be feeling angry, alone, empty, irritable. So many things.

    Nobody has to suffer through this every day. You are not alone. People can and will help if you ask them to help. I promise.

    Anonymous, I am more worried that people like you might be raising children as narrow-minded, intolerant and cruel as yourself. If you thought you were being remotely helpful you wouldn't hide behind anonymity. I doubt you have ever had depression. if you had you would know that that answer is nowhere as simple as you are implying.

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  38. I don't know why you think I'm narrow minded and cruel!! I don't have a URL so chose the anon option. I said I have been down that road. What I was implying is that Danielle should get the help. I am a strong advocate for mental health issues. My own son has special needs, so dont refer to me as cruel and narrow minded I simply voiced my opinion. Danielle must of Not been offended by it or she would of deleted it. She has the power and the choice to do so! That's my point choose your own destiny and reaction. You choose your own path. I have never commented before so will now proudly sign my name.
    All the best with your journey Danielle whatever you may "choose" regards Michelle ps I never made judgements on any one else commenting on this post dont make judgements on me. Love it when people jump on a bandwagon. Someone jump on mine ;) lol!!

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    1. Michelle, you say you havnt made any judgements on anyone else but thats not entirely true is it? It seems to me your comments make the biggest judgement of all in this forum by telling Danielle to "stop wallowing in self pity" or to stop "crying by herself" and "get help." Very harsh words I must say. And I'm not sure how you would know if Danielle is offended or not by these harsh words because you cant see her or speak to her. The fact that you have a special needs child (if in fact you do), might make you the type of person who doesnt have a lot of patience because of your own troubles. But just because that is your way of dealing with issues, doesnt give you the right to push that down our throughts, especially when compassion and understanding work better EVERY TIME. Your comments seem to display you as a very hard person, with little patience for people in trouble. I cant speak for others, but I'm guessing most people who read Danielle's blog dont feel that she is condoning feelings of depression or self pity by expressing her feelings here. My guess is we all recognise she is looking for a soft place to fall by sharing her feelings of helplessness here among the women who read about her life and connect with her in some way. After all thats why we blog isnt it - to connect with people who can connect with us in the sometimes lonely world called motherhood. I am so happy that you found help and managed to get through it without shedding lonely tears in the shower. But as you can plainly see your comments are not welcome here, so I suggest you take your opinion and share it with someone of a professional nature who may be able to help you get over it and leave us alone. CLAUDIA from Little Cottage Big Life

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  39. WOW! i have been feeling that same way!! i feel trapped somedays and other days i feel "normal" the screaming in my head is sometimes quiet and sometimes its like a freaking zombie apocalypse!!! Big big hugs
    http://seedsintotrees.tumblr.com/

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I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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