Sunday, January 15, 2012

Darkness

It is funny how things can go from a fairytale to a nightmare in an instant.  One moment, I am enjoying my gorgeous family, having wonderful adventures, and the next, I am sitting in the dark, listening to music.... tears streaming down my face.



From the outside, the world sees my smile.  They have no idea the pain and secrets I am actually hiding.

I wake up every day with a positive heart.   But I am exhausted and I start to crack.  It is like an out of body experience.

Years of being strong and putting "me" aside is finally catching up with me.  I am so angry and bitter.

I start to think selfishly.  I am screaming inside.

Suddenly.. the unthinkable happens.  Finally, I snap.  I explode.  I have hit breaking point.

I am sick of not being heard.  If I scream loudly, I will get heard... right?  But the screaming doesn't get heard.  I feel like I am on a carousel and no one is REALLY listening to what I am saying.  I am sick of saying it.

I am not a depressive person.  By any means.  But I am not the person I dreamed I would be right now.



I am starting to wonder what more I have to give.  Why do I bother?    As I watch the sunsets at night,  I wonder what the purpose of this life is.   I feel tortured.  

I have to keep this secret.  I have to be strong.  I must keep swimming.

There is no other way.  There are Five Little Reasons and Mr Reason for me to just. keep. swimming.




post signature

11 comments:

  1. I this tough time passes as quickly as it came and the happiness you deserve returns xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just wanted to say please keep talking Danielle and find someone to listen. You are doing the right thing to speak out . Depression manifests in many different ways. Sending you huge hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending *hugs*, *love* and *floaties* for those times we all get too tired to keep swimming
    Txo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Bigs hugs to you Danielle. A tough time indeed but know that "this moment will too, come to an end".
    You are in my thoughts and I hope this moment is over very soon with little scarring left behind xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. If you ever need to retreat somewhere, my door is always always open for you Danielle.
    This feeling will ease, just keep swimming as we all do xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok listen up - you, me, coffee shop after work one night - no negotiations... Let me know what nights Brett is home, you are free & where you'd prefer to go & I'll be there. My shout, you & I both need to get out :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh I am so sad you are feeling like this right now - you are an absolute inspiration to me and many others!!!!
    My advice to you is to talk until you are heard - do talk to your husband - of all people I am sure he will understand the most!!!
    steal some moments for yourself - pamper yourself a little - you deserve it!!!
    if none of this helps - go talk to your dr - depression can sometimes sneak up on you - even if you are not the "depressive type"
    but most importantly - realise you are doing an amazing job and you have 5 beautiful little people to show for it.
    I really hope that smile comes from the inside out before you know it! xxxxxx
    Kylie Look :o)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Danielle. Just wanted to say thank you for posting this. It's hard to be positive and cheery all the time, especially with little ones around needing so. much. stuff. from you all the time. I wonder how many mothers are losing their sanity over the summer holiday. Don't worry, you are not alone! Hang in there. Big hugs over the internet. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes they are your reasons. Keep swimming.
    But it is okay to be in this place.
    And you need to be heard. Your screams. Your cries. They need to be witnessed.
    You need to be comforted and to know it's okay.
    I think you know how to contact me, right?
    Please do if you need to.
    I've been in that place.
    I am pretty sure I will be in it again.
    But I know I can get out of it and things get better, much better.
    You are stronger than you know for just getting here. For just posting this.
    Hang in there.
    You have the reasons to. xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. PS - You are a reason too. You have much to enjoy and achieve still in this life. x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes you have fabulous reasons, and as per the comment above this does include you.
    I can only imagine, I have three children and sometimes I feel like they are swollowing me up alive. Sometimes I've dreamed of the fourth child but then in reality I know I don't honestly think I could keep my head above water with another person, demanding, yelling my name.
    good on you for getting it off your chest, I hope that has provided alittle relief if nothing else.
    take care, we will keep listening when you need us.

    ReplyDelete

I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...