My dad is a Star Trek fan. I watched a few episodes of a few series. My brother had a flying Enterprise hanging from his ceiling in his room. You know? One of those models that takes hours to make and paint with tiny paint brushes.
Then they came out with "Voyager". I was hooked. A female captain. Perfect.
I am not a "Trekkie".
But I really enjoyed watching the series.
If I was to guest star in a Star Trek episode, I would have to be cast as a Vulcan.
I am logical.
I am rational.
This really makes me struggle to understand the thoughts of my Bipolar husband. His thoughts are irrational and nonlogical. If I find myself in a "bad place" emotionally or mentally, I take a moment and think myself out.
Brett can not do this. He knows what he is thinking/saying is not logical or rational, but he can't stop. He thinks the worst. He has a cloud over his brain.
I like to say that I understand. But I don't. I understand it from a clinical point of view.
As he lies awake beside me, tossing and turning, in the middle of a depressive episode, I struggle to understand why he is down. The logical side of me wants to shake him silly. Our life, although with a handful of struggles, is perfect. We have a roof over our heads. Food on the table. Clothes on our backs and the most amazing little family.
But he says it isn't about that. That isn't the problem.
His depressive episode at the moment is focusing on time. He doesn't have enough time. His time isn't worth anything. He doesn't think he is worthy of time and his life is a waste of time.
This breaks my heart.
Into a zillion pieces.
I take a moment to catch my breath. "What did you just say?" He gets angry at me because I am being "logical" about it and I take the comment personally.
So I keep quiet.
He has been in this depressive episode for a few days now. And no matter how hard I try to "help" him out of his low, I can't. Thankfully, these days, the lows don't usually last more than a week and I know he will bounce back with a Manic episode. I can handle manic. I almost thrive on manic.
When he is in a depressive episode, I retreat. I almost go into a depressive mode myself.
But I am logical and as quick as I fell into it, I climb straight back out.