Saturday, September 3, 2011

Logic

My dad is a Star Trek fan.  I watched a few episodes of a few series.  My brother had a flying Enterprise hanging from his ceiling in his room.  You know?  One of those models that takes hours to make and paint with tiny paint brushes.

Then they came out with "Voyager".  I was hooked.  A female captain.  Perfect.

I am not a "Trekkie".

Honestly.

But I really enjoyed watching the series.

If I was to guest star in a Star Trek episode, I would have to be cast as a Vulcan.



I am logical.

I am rational.

This really makes me struggle to understand the thoughts of my Bipolar husband.  His thoughts are irrational and nonlogical.  If I find myself in a "bad place" emotionally or mentally, I take a moment and think myself out.

Logically.

Brett can not do this.  He knows what he is thinking/saying is not logical or rational, but he can't stop.  He thinks the worst.  He has a cloud over his brain.

All.

The.

Time.

I like to say that I understand.  But I don't.  I understand it from a clinical point of view.

As he lies awake beside me, tossing and turning, in the middle of a depressive episode, I struggle to understand why he is down.  The logical side of me wants to shake him silly.  Our life, although with a handful of struggles, is perfect.  We have a roof over our heads.   Food on the table.  Clothes on our backs and the most amazing little family.

But he says it isn't about that.  That isn't the problem.

His depressive episode at the moment is focusing on time.  He doesn't have enough time.  His time isn't worth anything.  He doesn't think he is worthy of time and his life is a waste of time.

This breaks my heart.

Into a zillion pieces.

I take a moment to catch my breath.  "What did you just say?"  He gets angry at me because I am being "logical" about it and I take the comment personally.

So I keep quiet.

He has been in this depressive episode for a few days now. And no matter how hard I try to "help" him out of his low, I can't.  Thankfully, these days, the lows don't usually last more than a week and I know he will bounce back with a Manic episode.  I can handle manic.  I almost thrive on manic.

When he is in a depressive episode, I retreat.  I almost go into a depressive mode myself.

But I am logical and as quick as I fell into it, I climb straight back out.


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7 comments:

  1. It's great you can recognise what's going on and work around it, although i guess it's still frustrating. I really admire the way you're able to treat Brett with the respect he deserves in spite of bipolar, and I love the fact that you don't treat it as just 'he's got problems' but you look past it to see Brett.

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  2. It's hard to understand unless you have been there I think.

    I know that when my PND was at it's worst, the smallest things, (like having toMake dinner), would send me into a panic attack.
    The worst part for me was knowing I was being completely illogical, but still having the emotions anyway.

    I can see you really try; that would no doubt speak volumes, and be greatly appreciated.

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  3. I know I will never fully understand. I know more than I should (my DH is very open about it all with me), but it is still tricky to totally understand unless you have been there. Brett pushes himself to be "normal" during his episode, so he pushes himself to do the normal routine - like sit and eat dinner with us, or make dinner/help wash up, bath the kids etc. He wants so badly to be out of the low, and I think pushing himself during it probably makes it worse. But he has spent too many years sitting on the couch, rocking back and forth during a low that he doesn't want to do that anymore. We just have to rid out the low and know that it doesn't last.

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  4. Oh wow, this was a really excellent insight into what is it like to live with someone with a mental illness. I know what it's like to be a depressed person but not so much what it's like to live with a depressed person. Heart wrenching stuff.

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  5. Sounds very difficult. I often wonder how my hubby and i ever lasted while i was depressed (before we were married) It really does take a strong person to live with it day in and day out and still be there on the other side xx

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  6. I can (very, very, vaguely) understand what you're saying. I'm a bit logical too. When Luke and I were first friends (before we were even dating), he had a bit of mild depression, and I could never understand what he was going through. It didn't make sense.

    Hang in there. From what I've seen last night, and read today, you're doing all you can to be an awesome wife. I'm sure just being there, loving him, helping him, and telling him much he means to you and the kids is all you can expect of yourself!

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I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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