Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Last of the Firsts.

I sit here in tears.

My stomach is aching.

My heart is breaking.

We decided for a few reasons, that Camille was our last baby.  I knew this was coming.

I savoured every moment of her pregnancy, knowing it would be the final time I would nurture a soul into existence.  I think this is a big reason I fought so hard for a natural birth.

Today marks yet another of the final "firsts".

Today, I packed away the cradle and replaced it with the cot.

I will never again have a baby to place in the cradle.  A cradle that has been the first bed for all of my precious children.   It has had pride of place beside my bed for the past 8 years!

Eight Years!!!

I want to hang onto it for my grandbabies.  I hope that my children will choose to use it for the souls that they create.

I have a beautiful family.  I love every single thing in my life.  I love watching my children grow into the beings they are supposed to be.  But I am finding it difficult to let go.

My gorgeous best friend just came over to give me a hug.  For many obvious reasons, my husband doesn't understand what the fuss is about.  To him, it is just a piece of furniture.  But to me... it is something bigger.  It is a piece of my heart.  The memories attached to this "piece of furniture" are monumental!

I remember Hayden's nappy exploding whist sleeping in it.  I remember the day I found Lucy sucking her thumb for the first time.  I remember my boof-head baby Joshua vomiting breast milk all down the side of it.  I remember my sweet little Oliver all wrapped up in a tiny cocoon in it.  And I remember the smiles Camille has given me through the little bars as I watched her fall asleep.

Our future is so bright.  So many things to look forward to.  Some in the near future.  Some very distant. But right now, I am finding it hard to let go of the past.

I will... but for tonight, I grieve.


  1. Danielle, I really understand where you're coming from. It is a big deal. You are allowed to grieve for this stage. You are an awesome mum, and I'm sending you some virtual hugs. xox

  2. Oh dear...I feel your sadness. I am dreading that very day for myself... but here's to many more bright and happy days for you and your family. You are such a wonderful mum and what matters most at the end of the day are that all your precious bubs have grown up beautifully under your wing.

  3. Oh sweetheart, I understand where you are coming from. It is so hard to let go of these things. What wonderful memories you have and when you hand it down to your children I am sure that they will feel honoured that they get to use it for their children as well.
    The cradle I had for Ella was the one that myself and my sister used as a baby and my Grandad painted it all fresh for me to use - was a beautiful thing watching her sleep in it knowing that I used to do the same thing. Big hugs babe xo

  4. Oh, you're making me cry! I TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY relate to this feeling!!!!! Oh, I could write a comment-book, but if I do, I'll start bawling in the process, so I'm gonna leave it at this: I get it!

  5. I totally understand what you are saying - in fact this post has touched a raw spot in me and I have tears in my eyes!!!
    I am still not certain if our Number 3 baby is our last - but the finals for me are gut wrenching. Exciting to throw away the old clothes, and safely wrap up the precious keepers, but each time something is put away, or given away - its so sad. I wish I could preserve some of these baby moments!


I am a Mama of Five. A wife to one. I believe in documenting life using stories. I love telling you mine and would love to hear yours.

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