I sit here in tears.
My stomach is aching.
My heart is breaking.
We decided for a few reasons, that Camille was our last baby. I knew this was coming.
I savoured every moment of her pregnancy, knowing it would be the final time I would nurture a soul into existence. I think this is a big reason I fought so hard for a natural birth.
Today marks yet another of the final "firsts".
Today, I packed away the cradle and replaced it with the cot.
I will never again have a baby to place in the cradle. A cradle that has been the first bed for all of my precious children. It has had pride of place beside my bed for the past 8 years!
I want to hang onto it for my grandbabies. I hope that my children will choose to use it for the souls that they create.
I have a beautiful family. I love every single thing in my life. I love watching my children grow into the beings they are supposed to be. But I am finding it difficult to let go.
My gorgeous best friend just came over to give me a hug. For many obvious reasons, my husband doesn't understand what the fuss is about. To him, it is just a piece of furniture. But to me... it is something bigger. It is a piece of my heart. The memories attached to this "piece of furniture" are monumental!
I remember Hayden's nappy exploding whist sleeping in it. I remember the day I found Lucy sucking her thumb for the first time. I remember my boof-head baby Joshua vomiting breast milk all down the side of it. I remember my sweet little Oliver all wrapped up in a tiny cocoon in it. And I remember the smiles Camille has given me through the little bars as I watched her fall asleep.
Our future is so bright. So many things to look forward to. Some in the near future. Some very distant. But right now, I am finding it hard to let go of the past.
I will... but for tonight, I grieve.